1. Jeb "Buffoon" Bush
  2. "Dr. Boring" Ben Carson
  3. John "Almost too empathetic to be a Republican" Kasich
  4. Chris "I swear New Jersey isn't all that terrible" Christie
  5. Ted "I want to fuck the bible" Cruz
  6. Mike "I want to fuck the bible but not in a gay way" Huckabee
  7. Marco "Trying so hard to seem grateful that you know he's a complete monster" Rubio
  8. Scott "Complete Monster" Walker
  9. Rand "Slightly less crazy than Donald Trump" Paul
  10. "Donald Trump" Donald Trump