1. The Overcompensator
    This guy is dripping with narcissism, aggressively talking himself up as though he's trying to sell you shares in himself. My pj's and couch and better judgement are gloating: "Told you so; you should have just stayed home".
  2. The Motor Mouth
    All speed, no control. This dude is running his mouth a million miles (km's if you're Canadian) a minute. I'm trying to tactfully yet assertively cut in here and there, but my utterances are vehemently steamrolled by my run-on-sentence of a date.
  3. The Mute
    This human is seriously lacking in social skills. I'm tossing conversational pitches, and he's not even bothering to pick up the bat. Boring AF / time is seemingly moving slower than a turtle rampaging through peanut butter.
  4. The Zero Filterist
    There's no such thing as 'innuendo' with this one; he has no idea what 'tact' means, is definitely misogynistic / likely somewhat racist, and thinks he's being charming when he makes an off-side raunchy comment [pretty much every two sentences]. He's basically modeled after the guys in The Jersey Shore, but with better hair / fashion sense (so as to be able to lure you on the date in the first place).
  5. The Buzzkill
    This guy likes to say things like "I'm not so sure", "I'll agree to disagree", "That's not how I felt about ___X___", "I'd never do that", "I beg to differ". My Japanese scotch tastes delicious, but bitch be killin my buzz [vibe].
  6. The Un-Fashionista
    He tends to be the function of an online-I-didn't-see-this-coming date. Bad hair, bad body odor, bad 'man jewelry' (lots of it), bad clothes, bad breath... just all around bad, bad, bad. Physical attraction meter reads: BROKEN/OUT OF SERVICE.
  7. The Dial Tone
    He's nice. Quite lovely, really. But unfortunately, he's monotone and lack-luster and has spent the last thirty minutes talking about his dog "Buddy". At various points during this date I consider using the toothpicks on the bar to prop my eyes open to keep me from nodding off.
  8. The One Upper
    This person needs no introduction; just the burning desire to one up every. single. thing. that. you. say. This date is a complete waste of makeup.
  9. The Good On Paper
    He's absolutely perfect.... on paper. He checks off all of the right boxes: he's charismatic and engaging, funny and kind, he has his shit together and he loves his mom. But alas, there's just no spark on your end. Your bio-chemistry isn't a match, and the disappointment is real. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, go directly to dating purgatory.