First Date Deal Breakers (By Type)
- •The OvercompensatorThis guy is dripping with narcissism, aggressively talking himself up as though he's trying to sell you shares in himself. My pj's and couch and better judgement are gloating: "Told you so; you should have just stayed home".
- •The Motor MouthAll speed, no control. This dude is running his mouth a million miles (km's if you're Canadian) a minute. I'm trying to tactfully yet assertively cut in here and there, but my utterances are vehemently steamrolled by my run-on-sentence of a date.
- •The MuteThis human is seriously lacking in social skills. I'm tossing conversational pitches, and he's not even bothering to pick up the bat. Boring AF / time is seemingly moving slower than a turtle rampaging through peanut butter.
- •The Zero FilteristThere's no such thing as 'innuendo' with this one; he has no idea what 'tact' means, is definitely misogynistic / likely somewhat racist, and thinks he's being charming when he makes an off-side raunchy comment [pretty much every two sentences]. He's basically modeled after the guys in The Jersey Shore, but with better hair / fashion sense (so as to be able to lure you on the date in the first place).
- •The BuzzkillThis guy likes to say things like "I'm not so sure", "I'll agree to disagree", "That's not how I felt about ___X___", "I'd never do that", "I beg to differ". My Japanese scotch tastes delicious, but bitch be killin my buzz [vibe].
- •The Un-FashionistaHe tends to be the function of an online-I-didn't-see-this-coming date. Bad hair, bad body odor, bad 'man jewelry' (lots of it), bad clothes, bad breath... just all around bad, bad, bad. Physical attraction meter reads: BROKEN/OUT OF SERVICE.
- •The Dial ToneHe's nice. Quite lovely, really. But unfortunately, he's monotone and lack-luster and has spent the last thirty minutes talking about his dog "Buddy". At various points during this date I consider using the toothpicks on the bar to prop my eyes open to keep me from nodding off.
- •The One UpperThis person needs no introduction; just the burning desire to one up every. single. thing. that. you. say. This date is a complete waste of makeup.
- •The Good On PaperHe's absolutely perfect.... on paper. He checks off all of the right boxes: he's charismatic and engaging, funny and kind, he has his shit together and he loves his mom. But alas, there's just no spark on your end. Your bio-chemistry isn't a match, and the disappointment is real. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, go directly to dating purgatory.