MY PROUDEST ACCOMPLISHMENTS

in no particular order... except that I guess I'm most proud of the first one.
  1. QUITTING SMOKING
    after 15 years of smoking (12 of which were over a pack a day) — I QUIT! I feel like I should have to uncheck the organ donor box on my ID. my organs won't be of use to anyone, I can promise you that.
  2. MY DOG
    have you seen my dog? If you have, you know what I mean.
  3. THAT TIME AT THE SHOOTING RANGE
    1 shot.
  4. EVERY TIME I PEE IN A CUP
    I say this maybe once every two years, but I'm quite the accomplished cup pee-er. my mom sent me to rehab when I was 17 for ditching class and smoking blunts, so I had a lot of practice. I nail it every time. perfect amount, no spills, nothing to wipe & total flow control. it's a weird skill but I'm not unhappy about it.
  5. THE FACT THAT I CAN STILL 👍🏽
    considering...
  6. I'M NOT DEAD!
    okay so maybe this isn't an "accomplishment" exactly, but when you've been shot at, almost drowned, had to grow up with a bodyguard because your dad tried to kill you and were assumed to be dead at birth in the first place -- I mean, I must be doing something right. right?