Essays I've Written This Year on Books I've Never Read

As a high school senior and AP Literature student, I have certain obligations that I am required to fulfill. Seeing as I have a severe aversion to anything obligatory, I did not read any of the books I was assigned through the course of the class. This is the information I managed to scrounge up to barely pass.
  1. The Poisonwood Bible
    Here we begin with a familiar tale: the summer reading I did not do, and the essay that entailed at the beginning of the year as proof of my doing so. We were assigned characters to focus on. I got Adah. Something about ants and speaking backwards.
  2. The Awakening
    I like to think of myself as a feminist. Maybe even a progressive one. I don't know. I'm all for Edna (Was it Edna?) overcoming the struggles of our gender in a time when it wasn't as common by presumably committing suicide in the sea. There was bird that spoke French.
  3. Frankenstein
    I actually got to chapter seven on this one. Some asshole mariner telling a story on a ship. How very original. Was expecting a step-by-step guide on how to make my own Frankenstein. Was sourly disappointed.
  4. Wuthering Heights
    The names were the most confusing part of this. My friend told me Heathcliff hung his wife's dog with a wire hanger and I used that as the centerpiece of the essay. I tried to lie about reading it and told my teacher there was a castle in the first chapter. She made sure to correct me real fast.
  5. Heart of Darkness
    I re-watched Breaking Bad when I was supposed to be reading this. I picked up some points from SparkNotes and class discussions. Ended up drawing a lot of parallels between Walter White and Marlow.