133rd List Extravaganza

  1. 1.
    Wow
  2. 2.
    133 lists from me!
  3. 3.
    Hard to fathom
  4. 4.
    Is that an accurate figure?
  5. 5.
    It is.
  6. 6.
    If you'd asked me 12 months ago if I'd ever make it, I would've said, "You're nuts!"
  7. 7.
    "I mean, seriously, you're really wacko!"
  8. 8.
    "What are you talking about?"
  9. 9.
    "Oh, ListApp? Yeah, it's in Beta, but I'm not in it."
  10. 10.
    "Oh, I will be? Whatever, craze-o."
  11. 11.
    But now?
  12. 12.
    133 lists later?
  13. 13.
    I believe!
  14. 14.
    But what about six months ago?
  15. 15.
    I'd have said, "Yeah, I'm in the app now."
  16. 16.
    "Yeah, I could conceivably see myself listing 137 times by the All-Star Break."
  17. 17.
    "I overuse other social media, I don't see why this would be any different."
  18. 18.
    Turns out I would've overestimated by 4 lists
  19. 19.
    But I got the skeleton of that phrase correct
  20. 20.
    Is 133 a lot?
  21. 21.
    Feels like a lot
  22. 22.
    Can't be that difficult to get to, though
  23. 23.
    I mean, I type hundreds of words a day
  24. 24.
    Around 85 a minute
  25. 25.
    On my phone, I type with two thumbs
  26. 26.
    A very cool dad at the Starbucks across from Wrigley Field was very recently mystified by this
  27. 27.
    "I can't do that!" he said
  28. 28.
    His son looked and sounded like Andy Samberg with a very slightly elongated head
  29. 29.
    Dead ringer
  30. 30.
    On the computer, however, I type like a bird pecking
  31. 31.
    I am Mavis Beacon's worst nightmare
  32. 32.
    My fingers definitely are unwell/unhealthy
  33. 33.
    But I know no other means to an end
  34. 34.
    When I used to take Typing Lessons in 5th grade computer class I typed incorrectly every day
  35. 35.
    I didn't understand that they were trying to teach us a methodology
  36. 36.
    I just thought "this is so stupid."
  37. 37.
    "I can type everything. Look, there I go."
  38. 38.
    "Finger types there. Finger types there."
  39. 39.
    "Doy."
  40. 40.
    So, those lessons were wasted.
  41. 41.
    Best thing I learned during that class?
  42. 42.
    Everyone's password was "b".
  43. 43.
    Just the letter "b" in lowercase
  44. 44.
    Someone hacked into someone else's account, using their password
  45. 45.
    Which was "b"
  46. 46.
    And recorded some inappropriate audio on their desktop
  47. 47.
    Swears, sex stuff
  48. 48.
    The hacker was found easily
  49. 49.
    Due to his distinct voice
  50. 50.
    There were not a ton of 5th graders
  51. 51.
    It was such an easy crime to solve
  52. 52.
    So I learned a lot about password security
  53. 53.
    And how to type entirely wrong
  54. 54.
    But I digress
  55. 55.
    Probably for the last time
  56. 56.
    I am very proud of my 132 lists thus far
  57. 57.
    And I sincerely hope I end up proud of this one as well
  58. 58.
    Although many bullet points remain for my opinion to wildly shift
  59. 59.
    There WILL be a typo in this and I will hate kt
  60. 60.
    But I refuse to edit
  61. 61.
    This must be my rawest list
  62. 62.
    I demand it
  63. 63.
    For some reason in every list where I type STARBUCKS it changes it to all caps
  64. 64.
    Some vestige of a previous STARBUCKS rant I must have gone on, and deleted
  65. 65.
    So until that draft is recovered
  66. 66.
    We will have bullets 63 and 64 to admire
  67. 67.
    Either way
  68. 68.
    I am incredibly happy to have been your Jester for a while now
  69. 69.
    Sometimes you get a peek inside my emotions
  70. 70.
    Sometimes I adopt the voice of a bizarre author
  71. 71.
    Another man who lives in a 2-bedroom in Des Moines by himself
  72. 72.
    A real weird dude
  73. 73.
    Either way, I am incredibly proud to be here.
  74. 74.
    So let me thank each and every one of you
  75. 75.
    The interactions I have on this app are incredibly meaningfil
  76. 76.
    Even if I am playing a character
  77. 77.
    Be assured that in real life the real me is smiling at you!
  78. 78.
    For being in on the goof
  79. 79.
    Here is a photo
  80. 80.
    Me from Freshman Year
  81. 81.
    Not sure what I'm doing
  82. 82.
    Or what is being done to me
  83. 83.
    But I found this in a text history with my good friend this weekend
  84. 84.
    While visiting her in LA
  85. 85.
    And it reminded me that you should make and capture all the memories you can
  86. 86.
    The "and capture" is very important to me
  87. 87.
    I don't know what this moment was but looking at it now reminds me I was sitting in my next door neighbor JR's room
  88. 88.
    Making froends
  89. 89.
    And I was close enough with my new freshman pals that I let them do this to my face
  90. 90.
    And they were close enough to me that they wanted to
  91. 91.
    I wasn't involved in the comedy community yet
  92. 92.
    Having Post Its stuck to my face was apparently my release
  93. 93.
    I didn't drink
  94. 94.
    I had one Smirnoff Ice in November and sat on the edge of my female friend's bed
  95. 95.
    I told her, "I'm taking a perch!"
  96. 96.
    Then I fell over
  97. 97.
    So, this is pretty much what I bad
  98. 98.
    And it feels nice
  99. 99.
    That whatever I glean from this photo (cont)