Donald Trump's Doctor's Full Report

  1. "His results were astonishingly excellent."
  2. "He'll be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency."
  3. "His uvula was taut to the point of being intimidating."
  4. "His right bicep has the quick-twitch agility of Jeremy Renner."
  5. "His colon could be rigged to pump concrete through."
  6. "He has the strongest polyp on the outside of his lung I've ever seen."
  7. "There's nothing stopping this polyp. It'll take down everything in its path."
  8. "It's the best--oh, wait, that's cancer?"
  9. "Then let me be on the record saying it's the strongest, smartest, most aggressive cancer in the entire world."
  10. "It's the kind of cancer that will bring the world's most powerful leaders to their knees."
  11. "There's no stopping this cancer."
  12. "Donald Trump will have the most impressive cancer of any president in history."
  13. "Penis like titanium."