My Fantasy Baseball Team

  1. Me at every position
  2. We're the Yankees
  3. I'm playing for charity without a contract but the fans give me money anyway so I'm doing fine
  4. Facing the Red Sox in Game 7 of the ALCS I tell every player to pee themselves and quit and they all do
  5. I appear on the cover of Time with the headline "Is This Fair? It's Not, Right?" I line my urinals with that magazine.
  6. Letterman (I gave him his show back) asks me to do the "pee thing" to audience members on air. The trick succeeds again (unlike Uri Geller on Carson)
  7. I buy a yacht and play the next season on my yacht
  8. My wife? Oh man, you'll never believe it: it's the girl I'm currently in love with who likes me back. No one I'd rather.
  9. Anyway I make sure baseball rules for damn near a decade
  10. And then? My retirement is all peaches. Peaches fed into my mouth every day by my OWN outstretched hand. I'm still humble.