The Story of My Day at the Kentucky Derby

  1. Pulled in early around 6 AM waiting for the gates to open- always been my dream to be the "First Hat" through the gates and I got my wish because I threw my hat over the gates at 6:05
  2. Got in promptly at 10, then walked right to the souvenir booth and bought 9 shirts
  3. Talked to the souvenir salesman and bribed him to tell me who was going to win and he did
  4. Put $10000 on the wrong horse and $5 on the winner so as not to draw attention to the fact that I was an insider
  5. Walked right up to the phenomenal horsies in the stable and waved at most of them. Brought them some last minute gum and chips.
  6. Told 30 people "beautiful day for a gallop" then asked for their names and phone numbers
  7. Told 5 people "fucking shitty day for a gallop"
  8. Swapped Tom Brady's plane ticket home with a ticket to Vegas LOL
  9. Shipped a mint julep to my mom back home, she's gonna be real proud
  10. Found my hat hours later and filled it with water to sip during the big race
  11. Practiced yelling, "Horse! Horse! Horse!" for when the time came
  12. Threw a bunch of little balled-up paper cards on the floor in disgust for the next two hours
  13. Fell asleep for the whole race
  14. Just woke up caked in dirt hanging with the jockeys?
  15. Gonna go watch the Pacquiao/Mayweather fight on DVR with the three worst jockeys. No spoilers!