Wedding Presents I Should Not Bring to This Wedding

My first college friend is getting married this weekend. Here is what I should not bring her
  1. Crown of thorns
  2. Audio recording of me trying to describe what sex might sound like (Age 13)
  3. Audio recording of me trying to describe what sex might sound like (Age 22)
  4. Blu Ray Player and 35 DVDs
  5. Ariana Grande's Dangerous Woman and an actual Dangerous Woman named Nadine
  6. Iron Lung
  7. Iron Mask
  8. Lung Mask
  9. Grapes
  10. Tin Whistle
  11. Non-refundable Plane Tickets to Colonial Williamsburg (one way)
  12. Oceanography Exam, Freshman Year
  13. My Presence, Kiss My Ass
  14. Meat Tenderizer and a Doily
    NOTE: what I'm actually bringing