The Unicorn's Competition
In honor of Unicorn Day, some brief words from its haters.
- •PEGASUS. "Here's what I don't get: we're grouped together as mythical horse creatures. But the REAL MYTH is: unicorns can fly. They CAN'T! And maybe it's just me, but magically soaring through the air SEEMS like it beats protruding head deformity.
- •CENTAUR. You really want to be hanging out with a mute, charmless NON-man horse? This is bullshit.
- •RHINO. Okay, I'm not a mythical creature at all, but I am a REAL animal WITH A HORN. I exist! And I've NEVER been even asked to appear on Lisa Frank binders or whimsical birthday cards in the stationery stores of gentrified neighborhoods. I HAVE been attacked and poached — guess that's basically the same reverence afforded the unicorn. Cool.
- •CHIMERA. I get it. I'm terrifying. Very fair to take me out of the running.
- •DRAGON. Look if you want bright colors, I got 'em. I look super cool. I can defend you in a fight. I've got the fire thing going. To be fair, yes, I have my own year. Actually, I'm too good for this — why am I even defending myself?