The Unicorn's Competition

In honor of Unicorn Day, some brief words from its haters.
  1. PEGASUS. "Here's what I don't get: we're grouped together as mythical horse creatures. But the REAL MYTH is: unicorns can fly. They CAN'T! And maybe it's just me, but magically soaring through the air SEEMS like it beats protruding head deformity.
  2. CENTAUR. You really want to be hanging out with a mute, charmless NON-man horse? This is bullshit.
  3. RHINO. Okay, I'm not a mythical creature at all, but I am a REAL animal WITH A HORN. I exist! And I've NEVER been even asked to appear on Lisa Frank binders or whimsical birthday cards in the stationery stores of gentrified neighborhoods. I HAVE been attacked and poached — guess that's basically the same reverence afforded the unicorn. Cool.
  4. CHIMERA. I get it. I'm terrifying. Very fair to take me out of the running.
  5. DRAGON. Look if you want bright colors, I got 'em. I look super cool. I can defend you in a fight. I've got the fire thing going. To be fair, yes, I have my own year. Actually, I'm too good for this — why am I even defending myself?