ALTERNATE USES FOR PATRONUSES (PATRONI?)

  1. Grabbing your food from the seamless guy.
  2. Knocking out bullies in school.
  3. Running buddy.
  4. Teach them to dance to be an instant favorite at any party.
  5. Walking you home at night in lieu of pretending to talk on your phone.
  6. Getting the door downstairs for your friends when your buzzer isn't working.
  7. Relationship counselor.
  8. As a distraction while you shoplift skittles and cherry coke zero.
  9. To commiserate with you about your shitty day at the office over a cool pint in your neighborhood haunt.
  10. Accountant.
  11. Stalking the person you're going on a Tinder date with tonight to make sure they're not a psycho hose beast.