THINGS THAT WILL FOR SURE HAPPEN WHEN I MOVE TO MY NEW APARTMENT

  1. I will crave and consume only salads and, when offered a second glass of wine, charmingly demure, "oh I couldn't possibly!" Also, will only desire wine at all when offered by my polite but vigorous lover, who wants things to be more serious, but I don't.
  2. A garden
  3. Many dinner parties where I have a few too many delightful and fascinating guests so I suggest we open the French doors and some people can eat on the balcony and everyone thinks I'm a genius and so classy and the most delightful and the most fascinating of them all.
  4. Flowers everywhere always, probably from my immediately flourishing garden. Flowers are even in my salads, which I eat so often and without complaint and am always full.
  5. My parents will get back together
  6. No more murders
  7. Weekly game nights!!!
  8. I sell my freshly grown herbs at the farmers market. People adore me and if I miss a week they send handwritten cards wishing me the very very best and hoping I am back soon. I am, and they're so happy.
  9. A neighbor falls in love with me. Things get messy but he's glad just to have had a chance
  10. Drownings count as murders so none of those either