1. What was that?
  2. What was THAT?
  3. It's fine, if someone breaks in, the dog will alert me
  4. Who am I kidding? He's not the sharpest tool in the doghouse, if you know what I mean
  5. Every time we play fetch and I do the fake-throw-and-hide-behind-my-back trick, he falls for it
  6. Every. Single. Time.
  7. He would probably lead the kidnapper right to me
  8. Does this look like the face of a doggo I can trust to protect me from a violent criminal?
  9. WHAT was that?
  10. Chill. It's just the AC.
  11. Okay, but what if it weren't?
  12. Escape route 1: out bedroom window, graceful swan dive into pool
  13. Escape route 2: out bathroom window, break ankle, flee anyway
  14. Then what? Even if I DID remember my keys in the heat of moment, there's no way the rapist didn't park me in
  15. *sigh*
  16. I am NEVER living alone