HOW TO BE ROOMMATES WITH A HANNAH: AN INSTRUCTION MANUAL

  1. If the Hannah mumbles and rolls over in bed, she is conscious but not lucid
    Consider taking this opportunity to ask her anything. She will not remember this encounter in the morning
  2. On very rare occasions, the Hannah may talk in her sleep. You will likely only be able to comprehend a word or two, such as "reconciliation" or "chauvinism."
    Consider keeping a pocket dictionary by your bedside
  3. When the Hannah chuckles, grunts, gasps, or makes any other noise which typically requires a response, you will want to say, "What?" Resist this urge. If the Hannah has something to share with you, she will tell you
    If you happen to ask "what?" out of instinct, be prepared to learn about House, urban education, or something about an email
  4. If she is perched on the edge of her bed facing her desk, she is on social media and is likely listing
    Allow the Hannah to list in peace, so as to not disrupt the flow of creativity
  5. Because her days start early, the Hannah will often go to bed before you. She will insist that you may keep the lights on, even the overhead light
    Out of courtesy, however, use only the light you need, such as the desk lamp or a strand of Christmas lights
  6. Additionally, the Hannah will rise earlier than you most mornings. She is by nature a very considerate creature, but slight noise and light is inevitable
    You may want to prepare at home before becoming roommates with the Hannah in order to build up a tolerance. Ask your sister to quietly open and close your bedroom door in the mornings or brush her hair in your bedroom while you are asleep
  7. Recycle. Recycle water bottles. Recycle plastic cutlery. Recycle cardboard. DO NOT throw recyclables in the trash can
    If you do so, the Hannah will politely move the item into the recycling can. She will do this kindly, but each time you make this mistake, the Hannah will keep a mental tally. Researchers have not yet discovered the Hannah's breaking point in this area, nor the consequence of reaching said breaking point; however, they expect an eruption similar to that of Mt. St. Helen's
  8. You will likely have more snacks than the Hannah, as she seldom makes trips to the grocery store
    Offer snacks liberally, though. For when the Hannah's grandparents visit, they will bestow upon her many delicious treats, and you will want to be in good standing when this occurs
  9. Be aware of what belongings you have visible
    Do not keep anything on your desk, dresser, or bookshelf that you would not want to be observed and manhandled by the Hannah's male friend