Drunk Feelings About the Arizona Cardinals Loss
- •I'm so embarrassed. I kept saying that we were a great team but on the national stage we looked terrible. It was as though someone had described the game of football to a group of athletic dudes and they were like, "ok, yeah, we can do that" Except they fucking couldn't.
- •I'm disappointed. The Cardinals had a chance to win an NFC championship for the second time IN THEIR 118 YEAR HISTORY and they missed it by a goddamn mile. They missed it by more than a mile. THERE IS NO BASEMENT AT THE ALAMO!
- •I'm angry. I am looking for someone to blame - Patrick Peterson and Carson Palmer seem like good candidates - but I know in my heart that the team failed together. And that's sadder?
- •I'm guilty. If only I'd watched every game! Maybe I made bad luck by leaving the country during a critical season.
- •WHY DID THIS HAPPEN?! I though we were good! But apparently, we were a bunch of stoned Ewoks masquerading as professional NFL players.
- •I have a secret... I still love Cam Newton. The more that racist assholes complain that he's having too much fun, the more I love him. OH GOD, IS THAT WHY WE LOST? BECAUSE I SECRETLY LOVE CAM NEWTON???! how can you not, though, look at his fucking smile.