THAT TIME I GOT BROKEN UP WITH OVER EMAIL BY A BRITISH DUDE I WASN'T DATING
Inspired by @gabimoskowitz
- •I've received many an Amanda Johns' email, & believe me, there are a ton of us.The mom heading up carpool in Australia, the NJ woman who loves Pottery Barn, the AJ actively involved in her friend's birth plan, the one with a similar birthdate but way shittier health insurance that uses my pharmacy -- I could go on, but hands down this email Amanda is the gold-medal winner. I imagine that she is one & the same as another British AJ whose Mom is always emailing me when she fucks up (not paying bills, renewing car insurance, etc.) She's always up to some antic. I love her.
- •Let me set the scene: the date is 4/10/12, and I receive a message addressed simply to "Slut" at my Gmail account.As it is Gmail, I of course panic at the sight of "Slut" being showcased next to MY picture, along with whatever Google Circles nonsense they were pushing at the time. Paranoid, I call a friend and force him to Google me/check his email to ensure I'm not sending emails under a "Slut" banner.
- •The subject of the email is "Abuse"Okay... Does this have anything to do with when I volunteered for a Domestic Violence shelter? Then I see beneath it, in bold and underlined: "Things of abuse that Amanda would do to me." This is gonna be good.
- •Followed by a numbered list of 30 alleged abuses, hilariously misordered:Just me, but I'd rank #25 "snogging a bloke in front of me" much higher than #11 "accusing me of doing things i ain't even done," and #26 "strangling me and punching me" & #29 (essentially sleeping with other dudes while they were apart) were way more relevant than #30's "Never introducing me to her male friends and not even telling me there names yet i wasn't even aloud to talk to women (sic)."
- •He wraps this all up by explaining that he wishes it'd been different, but the abuses far outweighed the nice part of "mand.""We never worked at the issues babes." Wise words -- wise, wise words.
- •And then -- the sign off:"Well Take Care And All The Best...xXx.. Rick E!" This is so brilliant on so many levels. One thing you should know though is that Rick E! was italicized & underlined. His full name was listed earlier (actually Rich) and nowhere in it is an E, so there's that.
- •My response:"You've accidentally e-mailed the wrong Amanda. However, the one you're aiming for sounds wonderful. Good luck."
- •His reply:"OH SORRY LOVE DIDNT MEAN TO DO THAT, HOPE I WASNT OUT OF ORDER OT WAS MEANT FOR MY EX. SORRY"
- •And now we're married.Wouldn't that be the best story???