THAT TIME I GOT BROKEN UP WITH OVER EMAIL BY A BRITISH DUDE I WASN'T DATING

Inspired by @gabimoskowitz
  1. I've received many an Amanda Johns' email, & believe me, there are a ton of us.
    The mom heading up carpool in Australia, the NJ woman who loves Pottery Barn, the AJ actively involved in her friend's birth plan, the one with a similar birthdate but way shittier health insurance that uses my pharmacy -- I could go on, but hands down this email Amanda is the gold-medal winner. I imagine that she is one & the same as another British AJ whose Mom is always emailing me when she fucks up (not paying bills, renewing car insurance, etc.) She's always up to some antic. I love her.
  2. Let me set the scene: the date is 4/10/12, and I receive a message addressed simply to "Slut" at my Gmail account.
    As it is Gmail, I of course panic at the sight of "Slut" being showcased next to MY picture, along with whatever Google Circles nonsense they were pushing at the time. Paranoid, I call a friend and force him to Google me/check his email to ensure I'm not sending emails under a "Slut" banner.
  3. The subject of the email is "Abuse"
    Okay... Does this have anything to do with when I volunteered for a Domestic Violence shelter? Then I see beneath it, in bold and underlined: "Things of abuse that Amanda would do to me." This is gonna be good.
  4. Followed by a numbered list of 30 alleged abuses, hilariously misordered:
    Just me, but I'd rank #25 "snogging a bloke in front of me" much higher than #11 "accusing me of doing things i ain't even done," and #26 "strangling me and punching me" & #29 (essentially sleeping with other dudes while they were apart) were way more relevant than #30's "Never introducing me to her male friends and not even telling me there names yet i wasn't even aloud to talk to women (sic)."
  5. He wraps this all up by explaining that he wishes it'd been different, but the abuses far outweighed the nice part of "mand."
    "We never worked at the issues babes." Wise words -- wise, wise words.
  6. And then -- the sign off:
    "Well Take Care And All The Best...xXx.. Rick E!" This is so brilliant on so many levels. One thing you should know though is that Rick E! was italicized & underlined. His full name was listed earlier (actually Rich) and nowhere in it is an E, so there's that.
  7. My response:
    "You've accidentally e-mailed the wrong Amanda. However, the one you're aiming for sounds wonderful. Good luck."
  8. His reply:
    "OH SORRY LOVE DIDNT MEAN TO DO THAT, HOPE I WASNT OUT OF ORDER OT WAS MEANT FOR MY EX. SORRY"
  9. And now we're married.
    Wouldn't that be the best story???