1. Bitch, you're in your 30s now. These are no longer freckles, they're age spots.
  2. Consuming alcohol does not count as part of your "8 glasses" a day.
  3. There is no amount of concealer that will actually conceal these dark circles. Get some sleep or turn back time, but you're wasting that beige goo.
  4. SPF 1000 probably would do the trick for a half hour, but you'd still need to constantly reapply after that. Find a tent and park under it.
  5. Thank you for not injecting me with stuff.
  6. Just smile, no one else gives a crap about the rest of it!