My neighbor, age 73, is leaving tomorrow to stay with family in Italy. We are very tight, and I'm going to miss her terribly. I'm looking for a substitute BFF until she returns in September. Here's what I'm looking for:
  1. You must speak with a very heavy accent.
    I want to be lulled by your speech patterns. I want to hear your voice in my head a lot.
  2. Please use the phrases "Oh hell" and "what in the hell is that?" and "what in the hell am I gonna do with that?" frequently.
    Damn is acceptable, too, but not nearly as hilarious. It's also good if you can say "HUH?" a lot, like the way Kanye says it.
  3. Come sit on my front porch every morning.
    This is generally a seven-day-week situation, so it's important that you quit your job and/or retire. Once this happens, you will find that you "don't what the hell day it is". I enjoy that.
  4. Inform me of the day's agenda.
    This will entail what you are cooking for lunch, and what you will have for dinner. You will also want to ask me what I am cooking and then not laugh when I tell you.
  5. Ask me how the blanket I'm crocheting is coming along.
    Then laugh heartily, knowing I'm gonna be working on that thing for the next 70 years at least. After we laugh, let me know how many blankets you've made this week.
  6. Bake cookies for me.
    Randomly and for no reason. Also, bring lunch to me on occasion.
  7. Have absolutely no knowledge of technology, and no desire to gain any.
    I will be on call to you 24/7, so I can look up things on "the Google" for you. Whatever you need, I got you. Insurance forms, etiquette, maps, you name it. It makes me feel like a wizard when I can produce these things for you.
  8. Finally, do not leave me for more than two or three days, max.
    I will be sad and have no one in the neighborhood to hang with, except for Mr. Li across the street, and he is always in his underwear. So yeah. Need a temporary friend, please.