In early 2014, I had stomach problems like you wouldn't believe. This was the worst of several horrific incidents that happened that year. I can laugh about it now, but it makes people really uncomfortable when I tell it (which is probably why I continue to share it to this day).
  1. Before picking my kids up from school, I ran in Wal Mart briefly. It was a crisp January afternoon. The weather was gorgeous.
  2. Heading to the register, my stomach started to cramp so badly, I briefly considered using the bathroom at Walmart, which for me would be a worst case scenario situation. I did some deep breathing and decided I could wait until I got home. Anyway, it felt like bad period cramps. I'll be fine.
  3. I left the store and drove to the school. I joined the already really long car line of people waiting to pick up their kids. I'm quickly blocked in. No driving away. Gotta wait thirty minutes before these cars start moving.
  4. My stomach is cramping again.
  5. I'm gonna have to use the toilet. I've got cold sweats and I'm pale. I've got to hike up to the main office and use the restroom.
  6. The ladies in the office don't like me. This is factual information. It is extremely difficult for me to go in there and ask if I can use the toilet, but I'm desperate. I'm clenching at this point. The brown baby is crowning.
  7. I make it into the school clinic restroom just in time, and I BLOW ASS. I don't know how else to describe it to you. It was violent and rapid.
  8. I quickly left the restroom, ran past the women and bolted back to my car. I cannot imagine what is was like for anyone who walked past that bathroom after I left.
  9. I probably need to make amends for that. I'll ask my sponsor.
  10. I get back to my car and feel like I've been run over by a truck.
  11. Five minutes later, the cramps are back. Only this time they're more intense. "The alarm has sounded", as my dad would say.
  12. I'm wearing a skirt, something I rarely do, but this day I have on a skirt and brand new underwear that was sparkly.
  13. Something is wrong. I'm pale white and sweaty. I've got to crap. I'm stuck in this car line. It's a quarter mile back to the school office and there's no way I'm going to make it.
  14. I'm gonna have to shit in my car. I'm gonna have to shit in this Honda. In broad daylight, surrounded by all these parents.
  15. I am so thankful for my tinted windows. At this moment, I vow that I'll never drive a car without tinted windows again.
  16. I reach up my skirt and pull my underpants down around my knees.
  17. I grab the Walmart bag next to me on the seat and empty it by throwing everything into the floorboard.
  18. I lift myself up and attach the bag to my ass, almost like a feedbag.
  19. By this point, things are quickly leaving my body, and not just my dignity. I am blowing ass in my Honda at 2 in the afternoon and I've still got at least 30 minutes to sit here in this line.
  20. I somehow manage to do all this, while sitting in my car facing forward like nothing is going on. I pull the bag away but not without getting stuff all over my underpants, so they're gonna have to go in the bag, too.
  21. I can't roll down the windows, because WHAT IF EVERYONE CAN SMELL IT? THEY'LL ALL KNOW.
    This is ridiculous to me now, because no one on God's green earth would have ever guessed what I'd done, except maybe the school office ladies.
  22. I turn the AC on full blast. I feel awful. I am so sick. I text my father "I just crapped in a Wal mart bag in the car line. What should I do? Have you ever done this?"
  23. He immediately called me, thinking he misunderstood what I'd said. He tells me to make a doctor appointment, because "that ain't normal".
  24. I throw the poop bag into the back of my Honda CRV, because it's horrific and I need it hidden so no one sees it when they open the door to let my kids in the backseat.
    Again, looking back, it's amazing that I was able to do that without flinging dookie everywhere. I vaguely remember that I had some sort of reusable shopping bag that I threw the poop bag in.
  25. The car line is now moving. They call my kid's names. As soon as the door is opened, my oldest yells out, "OH MAN WHY DOES IT SMELL LIKE POOP IN HERE?", like before she even got in the car. I drove away so quickly.
  26. I then had to explain to my kids that "my tummy got upset". Then the questions started.
  27. WHY IS THE CAR SO COLD? I got hot. WHAT STINKS? IT STINKS SO BAD AND ITS COLD. I'll tell you later. Just be quiet, I'm sick.
  28. But she won't stop with the questions, and now they're both just relentless.
  29. Finally I say, "I pooped in my pants, ok? I had an accident in my pants."
  30. Then their faces go as pale as mine had. The idea that a grown person, especially one in charge, could poop her pants in the car is more terrifying than anything they've ever heard before. The rest of the ride home is silent.
  31. As I got out of the car, they see that the back of my skirt has what they refer to as "dooky stains" all over it. For the next few months, I had to tell doctors and specialists all over town what happened.
  32. I'm no longer even remotely embarrassed about bodily functions. That is probably the worst thing I've ever done in a car. I still wonder if those school office ladies got mad at how stank I made their restroom.
  33. I should probably send them a fruit bouquet.
  34. Giphy