THINGS THAT SHOULD BE BANNED FROM AIR TRAVEL
This list is based on personal experience. Even #7.
- 1.Plastic bagsRetrieving that pack of crackers lost at the bottom of an Albertsons bag is going to wake someone up three rows behind you. The longer you rustle, the more intense the side-eye.
- 2.Calling it Zone 2 if I'm the absolute last passenger to boardZone 1 should be the first zone to board, and so on, numerically speaking. See Key & Peele's brilliant sketch for further details.
- 3.3am cellophane origami lessons...or whatever you were doing up there in 12D. I couldn't think of anything else that would make that much of that noise.
- 4.Smelly foodAnything overly gross or delicious applies. That Kung Pao chicken looks legit, and I've only eaten peanuts for the last 9 hours. See next item.
- 5.Increasingly absurd class separationYesterday, I read Delta's pamphlet that said first class passengers have the option to buy "healthier snacks" than coach passengers. If all passengers have to pay for their food anyway, why not let all passengers have access to purchase any of the food? Just because I can't (or won't) drop a few Benjamins on a bigger seat up front doesn't mean I want to eat preservative-filled grease chunks. I mean, I might. But not always! And obesity and low income ties don't need strengthening from airlines.
- 6.Luggage biasMy green carry-on is the same size as everyone else's black one, and I promise it fits in the overhead compartment. You're gonna make me check it at the gate anyway? I didn't bring any liquids so I could avoid baggage claim. I could've purchased barbecue sauce on this trip. You know people are bad at judging volumes, right? It would've fit.
- 7.Sexual harassment from the strange man sitting in the aisle seat followed by casual conversation about his word searchMissed connection: Dude 2.5 times my age sitting in 14C who tried to buy me drinks (I refused), said super gross stuff in my ear (I was clearly unamused), then straight up started rubbing my thigh (WTF, bro?). I told you to stop, 30 minutes of silence while I cried inside, then you talked about your word searches like I give a fuck. I never told the flight attendant because I was terrified and traveling alone and what could they do? I should've told the cops though. Anyway, you forgot your pen!
- 8.Anyone who doesn't cover their mouth when they coughGreat. Now we're ALL sick.
- 9.Texts that the flight is delayed, then no text when the flight is no longer delayedSouthwest: Flight delayed 2 hours. Me: Cool. I'll grab some food. SW: Last call for Amy Pearson. We decided not to delay the flight and totally forgot to tell you, and now we've closed the gate and you must run across the airport with your luggage and food and shame in tow. And because you're the last to board, you get a middle seat in the back and can't sit with your husband. Me: *silently holds grudge for life*
- 10.Non-tranquilized young childrenJust kidding!...I mean, unless you guys...no? OK, yeah, just kidding.