5 WAYS I REACT TO STOMACHACHES

  1. 1.
    Shoveling loads of different foods down my throat in hopes that one of them will have the key ingredient that obliterates stomachaches. If it started hurting after your drank milk, then half a jar of peanut butter should clear it up, right?
  2. 2.
    Stop eating eggs. In my mind, every stomachache I've ever had can be traced back to consuming eggs within 48 hours. Or something made with eggs. So really just food.
  3. 3.
    Ask someone I'm having a lot of mediocre sex with to rub my distended belly. When they inevitably attempt to turn this moment into more sex, blame bloat for inability to really get into it.
  4. 4.
    Assume I'm pregnant until I work up the nerve to buy a pregnancy test. If I can't afford a pregnancy test, I go see the psychic next door for $5.
  5. 5.
    Pretend I don't have a stomachache because the timing is inconvenient. Eat, drink, be merry, and swear off eggs for the rest of my life.