THINGS I NEVER EXPECTED TO SAY TO MY KIDS.

Do me a favor, don't call Child Protective Services.
  1. "Give me your vaporizer. You're grounded."
  2. "Keep it up and I'll cut your hair while you're sleeping." (Said ostensibly in jest)
  3. "No masturbating until you finish your homework."
  4. "No putting pine cones in your panties!"
  5. "We do not pee into the heating register."
  6. "That's a vibrator and, no you can't play with it."
  7. "Can someone please load Mommy'd Pax?"