Requested by Melisa

Favorite Professions of Seinfeld Characters (Fictional and Real), Ranked

Epic list request, @wilmotwritesI! In order of my desire to apply for the job.
  1. 66.
    ————Would Definitely Not Apply ————
  2. 65.
    Porno Actor
    "Buck Naked" is taken, sooooo ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
  3. 64.
    Underwear Model, Calvin Klein
    Nobody wants to see that.
  4. 63.
    Owner/Operator, NYC Rickshaw
    "Because that's what the city needs, more slow-moving wicker vehicles" is not an ideal slogan. And I get tired just thinking about dragging people around.....
  5. 62.
    Hansome Cab Driver
    Would be beautiful during most of the seasons, but would be a tough gig in the winter. And horses scare me.
  6. 61.
    Waiter, Monk's Cafe
    I've never done a waiting tables gig, starting in downtown NYC seems like a bit..... much.
  7. 60.
    Jiffy Park Lot Attendant
    The kickbacks for running prostitution out of the lot conflict with my moral compass. 🚫
  8. 59.
    Movie Theater Ticket Taker
    0 f*cks required to do this job. Seems soul-sucking.
  9. 58.
    Inventor; Manssiere/Bro, PB&J's, Oil Tanker Bladder System
    I'm more of an idea man, less the put it together man.
  10. 57.
    Rental Car Employee
    I couldn't fake "talking to my supervisor."
  11. 56.
    Writer (Sitcoms), NBC
    Too much pressure. I can't imagine being expected to write a 22-show season; I get why Larry David don't want the show to get picked up.
  12. 55.
    Union Jackhammer Operator
    While the kickbacks would be nice, I have a nagging football injury that would preclude me from performing such manual labor.
  13. 54.
    Santa Claus, Department Store
    I get enough kid time time at home, thankyouverymuch.
  14. 53.
    Gambler (Amateur)
    I suck at gambling.
  15. 52.
    Board Member, Susan Ross Foundation
    Despite the many monies, I think this sounds terrible.
  16. 51.
    Computer Salesman, Costanza & Son
    Holed up in a garage with Frank Costanza?! PASS
  17. 50.
    Hand Model, Specialty Models
    My hands are gross.
  18. 49.
    Author, Off-off Broadway Play (La Cocina)
    This is more of mythical job that is resume filler.
  19. 48.
    Kramer's Lawyer
    What a roller coaster ride this gig would be, I couldn't handle it.
  20. 47.
    Postal Worker
    Working with Newman? Do not want.
  21. 46.
    Cashier, Monk's Cafe
    Seems simple but too much sitting.
  22. 45.
    Penske Account Rep, Sanalac
    I'd like to think I could handle doing nothing 8 hours a day, but I couldn't.
  23. 44.
    ———— Would Consider Applying ————
  24. 43.
    Mr Pitt's Personal Assistant
    Picking salt off of pretzels and buying athletic socks for a wealthy old man ain't my scene.
  25. 42.
    Writer for J Peterman catalog
    I could definitely come up with the prose - but I need to examine the benefits.
  26. 41.
    Importer/Exporter
    I love diapers, and matchsticks.
  27. 40.
    Intern at Kramerica
    Need to know more, like if we in fact get that chicken, will I be offered a full time position?
  28. 39.
    Lip Reader
    I'd be terrible at this job - I think not being deaf would probably factor in to my application being rejected. But sounds exciting!
  29. 38.
    Deposed Play Now Employee
    Hanging out in a bunker, having Kramer stop by to drop a big ball of oil out the window? Sure!
  30. 37.
    City Car Parker - Sid's
    I like cars, so moving them from one side of the street to the other seems like a good gig, plus Sid is bound to kick off soon so I could take over.
  31. 36.
    Owner, Cigar Manufacturing
    I'd go in on this, but Kramer needs to prove he's got real Cubans and not Dominicans. Now that the embargo is over he can likely do this a little easier....
  32. 35.
    Dentist
    I like the cut of Tim Whatley's jib. Not a bad way to make a living, although there's a high rate of suicide in this field.....
  33. 34.
    Bagel Artisan, H & H Bagels
    After a successful strike, I think I could work in those conditions (assuming the pipe is fixed now).
  34. 33.
    Soup Nazi
    I like soup. I can yell at people.
  35. 32.
    Guide, Real Peterman Reality Bus Tour
    Kramer has this job but some day he'll need to retire so I'd like to be considered as the heir apparent to drive the bus.
  36. 31.
    Marine Biologist
    Seems like a lot of schooling but I like the ocean.
  37. 30.
    —————— Would Apply ———————
  38. 29.
    Grumpy Old Fruit Store Owner
    Don't come back at me with your bruised fruit - once it leaves my store I have no control.
  39. 28.
    Lawyer
    Simon Bennett Oppenheim & Taft is fun to say. And I'm sure they paid well, I can start at the bottom right?
  40. 27.
    Wealthy Industrialist
    If H.E. Pennypacker can do it, so can I - I like roller coasters.
  41. 26.
    Comedian
    This is a tough line of work, and I'm not sure who I would actually apply to. Maybe I should start by writing for Conan or something.....
  42. 25.
    Doctor (Med Student)
    Bob Odenkirk dumps Elaine after finally passing his boards. I wouldn't want the long hours and would never dump Elaine (shed break up with me first).
  43. 24.
    Movie Theater Concession Stand Employee
    Watching people eat hotdogs that have been on the rotating warmers "since the silent era" to prove Lloyd Braun isn't crazy would offset the low pay and terrible hours.
  44. 23.
    Owner, Top Of The Muffin To You!
    Come on - who's happier than Mr. Lippman with that apron on??
  45. 22.
    Chemical Bank Branch Manager
    Pay is probably pretty good, I have no banking experience but am a quick learner! And I ❤️ 💰.
  46. 21.
    Manuscript Reader, Pendant Publishing
    Gotta start somewhere and I like to read.
  47. 20.
    Analyst, Kruger Industrial Smoothing
    What does that even mean?
  48. 19.
    Latex Salesman, Vandelay Industries
    I would be great at selling latex and be a star outfielder on the softball team.
  49. 18.
    Hen Supervisor, Tyler Chicken
    Sounds like a top-flight bird outfit.
  50. 17.
    Importer, Bottle and Can Deposits
    I live in Michigan with $.10 deposit, so I can help this operation clear a profit.
  51. 16.
    Training Shoes Salesman, Jimmy's Stuff
    I think the ship has sailed on these platform jumping shoes, tbh.
  52. 15.
    ———— Would Rock That Gig 👍🏼 ————
  53. 14.
    Actor, Med School
    I could act out those diseases like Denzel.
  54. 13.
    Sales Rep, Play Now Sports Equipment
    I'm already in sales and I like sports.
  55. 12.
    Bra Salesman, E. D. Gronmont
    I would be great at this.
  56. 11.
    Fireman
    I wanna drive the back of the ladder truck!
  57. 10.
    Editor For Pendant Publishing
    I think I'd actually be a pretty good editor, tbh.
  58. 9.
    Mechanic
    I like cars.
  59. 8.
    Stand-In, Daytime Soap Operas
    Me and Mickey will be best buddies.
  60. 7.
    Assistant To The Traveling Secretary, New York Yankees
    Working for an MLB team?! Yes please!
  61. 6.
    Seat Filler, The Tony Awards
    Exclusive but easy job, and there's always the chance I'll get to see the sun come up at Liza's....
  62. 5.
    Author, Coffee Table Books
    I have an endless list of coffee table book ideas, which are basically lists.
  63. 4.
    Host, Merv Griffin Showed
    Coming up with programming is tough, but I think I can compete with the current people.
  64. 3.
    Amateur Photographer
    The key word is "tasteful." Plus sunrise experience. 🌤
  65. 2.
    Ex-Player, 1986 New York Mets
    If I could get the 😍 from Elaine AND Jerry? That's close to as good as a World Series ring (OK not really but I love ⚾️)
  66. 1.
    Architect
    Because nothing is higher... than Architect. And I don't mean the Ted Mosby version (OMG Ted is the worst), I mean the cool, suave, sophisticated Architects you see on the cover of GQ and whatnot.