📝 Help Me Update My Resume With The Parenting Skills I Now Possess 📝

Looking for the cunning linguists of TLA to help me freshen the 'ol Resume to reflect my current skill set..... Pick a number and give me your best resume-worthy spin on it in the comments (plllleeeease)!
  1. 1.
    Mediator
    OMG the fights, constantly arguing over toys and food and seats at the table and seats in the car and who gets held by Mommy and/or Daddy and on and on and on. Mediated like a BOSS.
  2. 2.
    Lego Construction
    750 pieces and a manual that looks like a....... (Almost said phone book, magazine, JC Penney catalog, book, none of those seem current and relevant to the Millenial likely sorting resumes - help!!!). Gimme an hour and that thing is DONE.
  3. 3.
    Diaper-Changing
    3 Code Browns at the same time? Shitastrophe up the back or down the leg(s)? Leaked and smeared all over the bed at 3 am? ✔️, ✔️, and ✔️
  4. 4.
    Contract/Agreement Negotiation
    If I can talk a toddler down from 4 cookies to a banana, imagine what I can do with a contract!
  5. 5.
    Functional with limited/no sleep
    Need me to stay up all night and work on a project, then take a cat nap and work all day? Where's the ☕️ let's do this! Years of sleep deprivation have made me impervious to the need for quality sleep.
  6. 6.
    Distracted Driving
    Able to maintain safe speed, correct lane, and arrive at correct destination(s) safely despite screaming children and front-seat passenger shouting for "quiet!!" and turning around to get/give snacks/drinks (and give driving "assistance").
  7. 7.
    Multi-Tasking
    Feed the kids, answer the doorbell, clean up the milk, pour more milk, mediate a fight, get a child back in their chair, get more food, and somehow eat my own lukewarm meal. All in 15 minutes. 👍🏼
  8. 8.
    Loving Disciplinarian
    Able to say "No" to many many things, dole out punishment(s) while (hopefully) dispensing wisdom, being the heavy when Mommy is about to commit suicide or homicide or both.
  9. 9.
    Repetitive Reader
    Willingness to read the same boring-ass books over and over and over and over and over and over level 💯
  10. 10.
    HELP ME WORDSMITH THESE, PEOPLE!!