📝 Help Me Update My Resume With The Parenting Skills I Now Possess 📝
Looking for the cunning linguists of TLA to help me freshen the 'ol Resume to reflect my current skill set..... Pick a number and give me your best resume-worthy spin on it in the comments (plllleeeease)!
- 1.MediatorOMG the fights, constantly arguing over toys and food and seats at the table and seats in the car and who gets held by Mommy and/or Daddy and on and on and on. Mediated like a BOSS.
- 2.Lego Construction750 pieces and a manual that looks like a....... (Almost said phone book, magazine, JC Penney catalog, book, none of those seem current and relevant to the Millenial likely sorting resumes - help!!!). Gimme an hour and that thing is DONE.
- 3.Diaper-Changing3 Code Browns at the same time? Shitastrophe up the back or down the leg(s)? Leaked and smeared all over the bed at 3 am? ✔️, ✔️, and ✔️
- 4.Contract/Agreement NegotiationIf I can talk a toddler down from 4 cookies to a banana, imagine what I can do with a contract!
- 5.Functional with limited/no sleepNeed me to stay up all night and work on a project, then take a cat nap and work all day? Where's the ☕️ let's do this! Years of sleep deprivation have made me impervious to the need for quality sleep.
- 6.Distracted DrivingAble to maintain safe speed, correct lane, and arrive at correct destination(s) safely despite screaming children and front-seat passenger shouting for "quiet!!" and turning around to get/give snacks/drinks (and give driving "assistance").
- 7.Multi-TaskingFeed the kids, answer the doorbell, clean up the milk, pour more milk, mediate a fight, get a child back in their chair, get more food, and somehow eat my own lukewarm meal. All in 15 minutes. 👍🏼
- 8.Loving DisciplinarianAble to say "No" to many many things, dole out punishment(s) while (hopefully) dispensing wisdom, being the heavy when Mommy is about to commit suicide or homicide or both.
- 9.Repetitive ReaderWillingness to read the same boring-ass books over and over and over and over and over and over level 💯
- 10.HELP ME WORDSMITH THESE, PEOPLE!!