Worlds Colliding 🌎💥🌏 A Crossover Episode Of Seinfeld And The Office

Two of my all-time favorite shows are Seinfeld and The Office, and they both have moments in the Big Apple. What would happen if these fictional worlds overlapped for 22 minutes on a Thursday night on NBC? Partial inspiration credits to @Lisa_Fav and @jaidub .
  1. OPENING - JERRY ON STAGE
    JERRY: Have you noticed people and their relationship with their cell phones? It's like the phone is going to disappear if they aren't checking it or touching it or typing on it or watching it; "oh my GOD WHERE DID IT GO?!? I just looked away for a SECOND!!"
  2. MICHAEL FLOATING HEAD
    MICHAEL: David Wallace denied my request to do my one-man show tonight at the awards ceremony. It's magic and comedy, I call it "Michael Scott's Magicomedy Hour." Working title. He said it was too long, and I told him I could cut it down to 2 hours. I don't know, Ryan and David want to see me in David's office, maybe he changed his mind?
  3. OPENING CREDITS/THEME
    🎶
  4. INT. DAVID WALLACE’S OFFICE
    David, Ryan, and Michael are talking.
  5. MICHAEL: I don’t know, David, I mean I'm funnier than any of the stand-up comedians I’ve ever seen.
  6. DAVID: Yes, I’m sure you are. But the leadership team thinks that having a professional comic perform at our awards show tonight will help inspire them after a tough year and long week of training.
  7. RYAN: I caught his act the other night and the chicks I was with thought he was hillllarious. A lot of “did you ever notice this” and “haven’t you ever wondered” stuff...
  8. MICHAEL (interrupting): Did you ever notice how nobody around here lets me do what I want??
    MICHAEL: OK, OK, that was wrong.
  9. DAVID: Are we in agreement that you’ll let the comedian work, and not interrupt or heckle him?
  10. MICHAEL: I guess.
  11. RYAN: Promise, Michael.
  12. MICHAEL (Childish voice): Promise, Michael.
    Fine, I promise.
  13. INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT
    JERRY, GEORGE, AND ELAINE TALKING
  14. JERRY: So you’re saying that you’ve been staring at the “….” on your phone for the last 10 minutes??
  15. GEORGE (staring at his phone): She started typing something! That’s what the dots mean!! Finish the thought, you know I’m waiting!! What kind of mind game is this?!??
  16. ELAINE: Well, what was your text?
  17. GEORGE: I said “Did you see 'Frasier' last night”
  18. ELAINE: With a period, or a question mark?
  19. GEORGE: Neither….
  20. JERRY: You just left it out there dangling?? With no punctuation? That sentence is in no man’s land, she’s probably staring at it wondering “What am I supposed to say to this?”
  21. GEORGE: I thought it was more casual that way.
  22. ELAINE: You really need someone to teach you texting etiquette.
  23. GEORGE: Oh, like you're some texting expert?
  24. ELAINE: Do you know what "STFU" means?
    GEORGE: No....
  25. KRAMER ENTERS APARTMENT
  26. KRAMER: What are you doing for dinner tonight?
  27. JERRY: I’ve got to go downtown to do a Corporate gig, Blunder Mifflen or something. Why?
  28. KRAMER: Because I’m getting a new microwave, so I gave away my old one to Bob Sacamano. He just took it out and now I have no way to make my Lean Cuisine.
    JERRY: I love the way that sounds. "Lean Cuisine. Leeeeean Cuisine."
  29. ELAINE: When is your new one getting here?
  30. KRAMER: Next Saturday....
    JERRY: Tomorrow?
  31. KRAMER: No. The NEXT Saturday.
    JERRY: Tomorrow is the next Saturday.
  32. KRAMER: OK well it's not tomorrow. I bought it on some website and the shipping was free when I selected "7 day."
    JERRY: You should have let me buy it for you on Amazon Prime....
  33. GEORGE: That’s a week! You’re going to be without a microwave for a week....
    KRAMER: Well, I didn’t think ahead!
  34. JERRY: Why don’t you guys come meet after the gig for dinner? There’s a restaurant right across the street, I’ll get a reservation.
  35. CUT TO SCRANTON BUSINESS PARK
    JIM AND DWIGHT TALKING HEADS
  36. DWIGHT: Michael is gone for the day at Corporate in New York City, and as acting Assistant Regional Manager….
    JIM: Assistant TO THE Regional Manager
  37. DWIGHT: Shut up Jim. As the person in charge, I forbid you from leaving before 5:00.
  38. JIM: OK, sounds good. We’ll be leaving at 2.
    Jim gets up and walks out.
  39. JIM AND PAM TALKING HEADS
    JIM: Now that everyone knows we’re dating…
  40. PAM: And I got accepted to the training program in New York!
  41. JIM: …we thought we’d head in to the city and check out Pam’s new digs, and crash the management training reception Michael’s going to be at.
  42. PAM: There’s going to be a comedian, Jerry Steinfield, supposedly he’s pretty good.
  43. JIM: It's Jerry Seinfeld. He's really good.
    JIM (impression): "What’s the deal with office chairs?"
  44. PAM: That was…. Not good.
  45. JIM: You know I’m more of a prop comic.
  46. CREED TALKING HEAD
    CREED: I've done lots of stand-ups, down at the police station. They say I'm good at it: look straight ahead, turn to the left, turn to the right. Haven't gotten picked yet though *crosses fingers*
  47. KELLY TALKING HEAD
    KELLY: Am I over Ryan? You should be asking if he's over me! Wait... why are you asking? Did he tell you to ask me that? Are you going to see him at this comedy thing tonight? Don't tell him you talked to me! Or wait, tell him you talked to me but that I looked incredible and he didn't come up in conversation. Unless you think he'd be excited if I asked about him? If you think he'd be excited if he heard that I was asking about him, you should tell him that......
  48. CUT TO HOTEL
    JERRY, RYAN, MICHAEL, AND DAVID WALLACE ARE TALKING BACKSTAGE
  49. MICHAEL: So where do you store the watermelons?
  50. JERRY: Watermelons?
  51. MICHAEL: Yeah, before you bring them on stage and smash them with a hammer! Do you provide the ponchos or do I have to go get one….
  52. JERRY: I don’t do *that* kind of comedy.
  53. RYAN: Yeah, Jerry’s comedy is more meta. It’s observational, commentary on daily life…
  54. JERRY (quietly to David Wallace): Is this your son?
  55. MICHAEL (laughing): NO WAY hahahahaha! Ryan’s too hot to be David’s son. I am though.
  56. DAVID: I’m not related to anyone at this company. Can we focus on helping Jerry prep for the ceremony?
  57. JERRY: That would be great, I don’t want this to be any harder than it has to be.
  58. MICHAEL: That’s what she said!
  59. JERRY: I'm sorry....what was that?
  60. MICHAEL: That’s what she said!!
  61. JERRY: Who said what?
    MICHAEL: *Groan*
  62. JERRY: So you want me to hand out some awards, and do 20 minutes. Any topics in particular I should avoid or people you want me to reference?
  63. MICHAEL: Toby got divorced!
    RYAN: He’s not even here, Michael.
  64. DAVID: No no, anything you want to do from your normal act is fine. We’re just looking to lighten the mood after a long week of meetings.
  65. MICHAEL (quietly): I’m funnier than this guy.
  66. JERRY: I’m sorry, what was that?
    MICHAEL: Nothing.
  67. CUT TO HOTEL CONFERENCE ROOM
    JERRY ON STAGE
  68. JERRY: What's the deal with printer cartridges? There's no cart, and no ridge...
    JERRY: And what is toner? Have we advanced printers so far that they now can respond to our tone? "I'm only giving you black and white copies until you change your tone, mister!"
  69. CUT TO MICHAEL IN CROWD
    MICHAEL: (whispering) He's terrible. I'm so much funnier than this guy!!
  70. CUT TO JIM AND PAM IN CROWD
    JIM: (whispering) I can't stop laughing!
  71. PAM: (whispering) I hope Michael doesn't do something stupid, he's got that look on his face.....
  72. MICHAEL: SMASH SOMETHING WITH A HAMMER!!!
    JERRY: You're smashing my act just fine.
  73. CUT TO KRAMER, ELAINE, AND GEORGE STANDING IN THE BACK
    KRAMER: Tough crowd.
  74. GEORGE: Don't these idiots know comedy when they see it??
    ELAINE: Hey Stevie Wonder, how do you "see" comedy?
  75. GEORGE: If Jerry would do my prop bit....
  76. CUT TO STAGE, MICHAEL RUNS UP AND GRABS THE MICROPHONE
    MICHAEL: Hey everybody...!
  77. JERRY: Hey what are you doing!!
    THERE'S A STRUGGLE
  78. JERRY AND MICHAEL FALL IN TO CURTAIN, IT COLLAPSES ON THEM
    GEORGE: That's funny anyone can see.
  79. JIM LOOKS AT CAMERA
  80. KEVIN TALKING HEAD
    KEVIN: I'm good at telling jokes! What happened to the two salted peanuts walking.... No, wait. They're not both salted... I'm not supposed to say they're salted until the end... *whispers* dang it.
  81. CREDITS
    🎶
  82. Bump