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  1. @garbagee was born along with another from the same uterus
    Probably they shared a placenta, but maybe they had their own.
  2. The weather was particularly fitting for that day
    Looking back, the mother of the spawn has no recollection of that entire week, and I don't own a farmers almanac to jog her memory
  3. She grew up in Virginia. Not West, mind you.
    This is an important detail to people from Virginia. It doesn't matter to the rest of us
7 more...
  1. Buying an "open hearts" necklace by Jane Seymore
    Nothing says "it's time to go," like this tacky piece of crap. My first suggestion would be to save your money and consider just telling her that you despise her, instead of making her wear this hideous necklace until she resent you so much that she has to break up with you. But also, touché- You've forced the hand, and you're the good guy now. Solid work
  2. Buying fuzzy hand cuffs
    No one really uses these. They come exclusively in dingy pink because they are pre-made for the garbage. If you bought these, it is because you long resigned to a boring/sexless sex life. There hasn't been a shared orgasm in years, and this is your last ditch attempt to "spice it up." Pull them apart and each of you take one cuff as a token of the imprisonment that was your relationship.
  1. Whiskey and red wine
    I know this because right now I feel quite hungover. And if you're thinking "of course that doesn't mix well together," where the hell were you last night to bless me with your superior knowledge
  2. Any alcohol and your ex
    Be this texting or seeing them in person. Big ol' nope.
  3. Shorts and heels
    You look tacky
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With everything happening in the world today, it seems a white woman particularly needs to STFU... Especially one that has social media accounts dripping in satire, and dry dark humor.....But maybe not, because after all, I live here too.
  1. The world is a scary place
    Too often we abide to that notion without asking ourselves, "why?" It is not because of "others," it is because of ourselves.
  2. Children are taught to fear and hate the unknown.
    And across the world, or the country, or the state, in a home not unlike yours, a mother teaches her daughter or son the same lessons. And those two children will grow up to hate one another despite never having conflict.
  3. That hatred lives and grows with each generation
    Founded on the principles and ideas that are so engrained in us that no one stops to question themselves.
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  1. I've landed back from Africa after being on vacation.
    We can address the over privileged tone later
  2. Chaz has been actin' up, folks. So I know it's coming when he doesn't wanna hang that night
    Bro - we will call him Chaz, because other than Chaz Bono, it is not an acceptable name
  3. I am running a fever. Why? Thousands of mosquito and ant bites
    This too probably requires further explanation, but we don't have the time
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  1. I can't think of anything that sounds good to eat for dinner
A detailing of the main character in a story never written
  1. Physical appearance: thin, weathered, tall, has a very patchy beard and wears wranglers with ostrich boots
    Think strung out Billy-Bob Thorton meets that old man that is driving in front of you on the highway at 37 mph
  2. Clive is a llama showman.
    His storied past of triumph and defeat in the ring only pales to the saga of his personal life
  3. Mayonnaise is consumed daily for Clive. With each meal.
    It is his essence
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The odd and often inexplicable messages between my best friend and I.
  1. Taken 5?
  2. Alternate route to getting on the wagon
  3. Are not all Asians also ghosts?
    My date was so boring he may have been dead
6 more...