CLIVE: THE MAN, THE MYTH, THE MAYO

A detailing of the main character in a story never written
  1. Physical appearance: thin, weathered, tall, has a very patchy beard and wears wranglers with ostrich boots
    Think strung out Billy-Bob Thorton meets that old man that is driving in front of you on the highway at 37 mph
  2. Clive is a llama showman.
    His storied past of triumph and defeat in the ring only pales to the saga of his personal life
  3. Mayonnaise is consumed daily for Clive. With each meal.
    It is his essence
  4. Clive huffs old bags of change.
    More for comfort than anything else
  5. Tampica, his prized black llama, reigns supreme
    His obsession with her has driven away multiple women, as she always rides shotgun and sleeps in the room
  6. Clive listens to a Walkman of cricket ring tones
  7. His young assistant, Ty, is quiet... Maybe too quiet
    What's his deal?
  8. He is an avid reader of romance novels
    They are the only books that line the built-in bookshelf in the house he inherited from his grandmother. Fabio covers 90% of them.
  9. Often finds himself allowing the llamas to lick mayo from his nipples
    For this reason, as well as many others, Clive lives on a remote farm
  10. Kicked off several alpaca websites for his comments being too sexual
    The llama websites are more permissive. Though his BDSM is exclusively directed at alpacas
  11. The plumbing in Clive's 1875 home is brand new
    The old plumbing was replaced after Clive tried to bath in mayo.
  12. Tampica has never won in competition.
    She is both his first love, and a symbol of his own short comings