THINGS I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS BUT PROBABLY WON'T GET CUZ PEOPLE ARE MEAN

  1. 1.
    A room made entirely of mirrors
  2. 2.
    $87,452.95
  3. 3.
    A guest host gig on Saturday Night Live
  4. 4.
    A thousand dancing alligators
  5. 5.
    Soap that literally makes me sparkle
  6. 6.
    Someone to clean my gutters free of charge
  7. 7.
    Unlimited popcorn toppings
  8. 8.
    Invisibility
  9. 9.
    Rock hard abs
  10. 10.
    A cruise ship I can take anywhere in the solar system
  11. 11.
    A whole bunch of pecan pie
  12. 12.
    A six figure book deal
  13. 13.
    Smooth feet
  14. 14.
    A best friend like Kelly Ripa in every single way
  15. 15.
    The number to the world's greatest dish washer repair person
  16. 16.
    All the cheese
  17. 17.
    Lobster whenever and wherever
  18. 18.
    And end of sexism, racism, homophobia, religious intolerance and such and such
  19. 19.
    People to stop using the word "bae."
  20. 20.
    A fancy hotel
  21. 21.
    A lump of gold the size of a Kia