Friday night as a parent

Right away you know this is going to be better than Friday's before kids.
  1. Cooking meals no one likes
    Tonight's debacle was pizza. Crust, sauce, and cheese. Clearly it was an attempt to starve my children.
  2. Closing the same kitchen cabinet door a million times per day
    Can't imagine why you are hungry and in search of snacks. So confused.
  3. Telling a child that CLEARLY needs to go to the bathroom to go to the bathroom.
    No, I know you don't have to go and no, I can't hear you not peeing.
  4. Putting kids to bed and starting a list. 30 minutes later you are on the 4th item.
    Bed time isn't so much a point in time as it is a transitional process away from your sobriety to the worst drinking game known to mankind. Take a drink every time a child asks for a drink of water. A shot if they need to tinkle. Beer bong if they need a hug.
  5. I'd write more, but there's a margarita calling my name. Child #1 is getting a drink of water.