THE STORY OF THE CAT IN THE SOFA

This is the kind of shit that happens to me. All the time.
  1. 1.
    I was watching one of the debates.
  2. 2.
    My cat Gremelchki chased a strange cat into my house and into my bedroom.
  3. 3.
    I chased the strange cat out from under my bed.
  4. 4.
    The strange cat ran into the kitchen and in a panic it tried to climb up a tall plant stand that had a TV on it.
  5. 5.
    The plant stand started to tip over.
  6. 6.
    The old-style TV fell face first onto the kitchen table, spinning on the curved glass as its power cord dragged it toward the edge.
  7. 7.
    What do I do? Catch the TV before it shatters on the floor? Or try to catch the strange cat?
  8. 8.
    I caught the TV. Strange cat disappeared.
  9. 9.
    Hours went by.
  10. 10.
    I searched the entire house, couldn't find the strange cat. Maybe it left.
  11. 11.
    Gremelchki suddenly got all skeezixed - arch-backed and sqirrel-tailed.
  12. 12.
    He was looking at the sofa.
  13. 13.
    I looked under the sofa but didn't see anything. So I pulled the sofa away from the wall, tipped it back, and there was the strange cat all wrapped around the reclining mechanism.
  14. 14.
    The sofa was a La-Z-Boy.
  15. 15.
    I tried to get the strange cat out but it wouldn't budge.
  16. 16.
    I was worried about squishing it in the reclining mechanism. I needed someone to keep the mechanism from moving while I got the cat out.
  17. 17.
    I was home alone.
  18. 18.
    I went to several neighbors' looking for help (I could see them through their windows), but none would come to the door.
  19. 19.
    What to do?
  20. 20.
    I thought, "Hey! I pay taxes! I'll call animal control!"
  21. 21.
    I called animal control to report that I had a cat in my sofa.
  22. 22.
    Animal control lady told me, "We don't remove animals from furniture."
  23. 23.
    I said, "So a strange cat can just waltz into my house and make itself at home in the reclining mechanism of my sofa, and animal control is powerless to do anything about it?"
  24. 24.
    "Oh," said she. "This is a strange cat? I thought you were talking about your cat."
  25. 25.
    "I've never seen this cat before in my life," said I.
  26. 26.
    Animal control lady said there was only one animal control officer on duty and he was on the other side of the county. Might be a couple of hours.
  27. 27.
    "I can wait," I said. I promised to call back if the cat came out on its own.
  28. 28.
    About a half hour later, I heard a loud rumbling sound and the biggest fire engine I've ever seen pulled up in front of my townhouse.
  29. 29.
    "What are you guys doing here?" I asked. "I expected a guy with a pole with a loop on the end of it, like you see on Animal Cops."
  30. 30.
    "Well," said the fireman, "we heard the call go out and there's nothing good on TV."
  31. 31.
    All the neighbors who couldn't be bothered to answer their doorbells were suddenly interested in why there was a firetruck in the neighborhood.
  32. 32.
    One of the firemen grabbed an axe off the side of the truck and said, "I hear we might get to bust up some furniture!"
  33. 33.
    Firemen got the cat out if the sofa with no damage to either. Cat had a collar with a name tag (Chloe) and a phone number.
  34. 34.
    Strange cat and owner were happily reunited.
  35. 35.
    The end.