PRESTON EPPS: THE BONGO LEGEND

Long ago, in a galaxy very close to our own (in fact, it was just our galaxy. And it was only 50ish years ago. You know what? Disregard that whole first phrase) the world was a dismal, barren place. Everything changed when one man, armed only with a dream and a set of bongos, recorded the following songs, ranked in order of historical significance.
  1. 1.
    Bongo Bongo Bongo
    Clearly the most significant track, Bongo Bongo Bongo was so full of funky bongo beats that it warranted including the instrument in the name three times. Striking a delicate balance between syncopated rhythms and harmonious melodies, Bongo Bongo Bongo provides a uniquely satisfying experience. It must be heard, seen, felt, and tasted to be believed.
  2. 2.
    Bongo in the Congo
    Drawing from the rich oral and written tradition of great men of old, Bongo in the Congo establishes itself as a force to be reckoned with before the record e'en starts to spin. With a name that may or may not have been penned by the great Dr. Seuss himself, Bongo in the Congo brings a surreal flair to the bongo beats we have come to know and love.
  3. 3.
    Bongo Rock
    A classic. 5/7 perfect score.
  4. 4.
    Bongo in Pastel
    Have you ever been so overwhelmingly transfixed by a musical number that it seems to transcend the collection of sound waves of which it is composed? Yeah, I haven't either... But I've been told that with enough methamphetamine, music can take on a physical form, a beautiful flowing bit of color, twisting and waving to and fro like a candle in the wind... I'd venture to say that this song would appear as a lovely bit of pastel fabric, like you'd find in abundance at a Martha's Vineyard wedding.
  5. 5.
    Jungle Drums
    Brought to you by popular demand, Preston Epps teams up with America's favorite animated monkey to compose a beat so fresh, you actually need to wait to let it ripen before you can eat it.
  6. 6.
    Call of the Jungle
    Over twelve minutes of bongo music? I'd rather keep shoving catheters up my urethra until it bursts and I am explosively and painfully castrated. Take this trash away.
  7. 7.
    Doin' the Cha Cha Cha
    This title doesn't even mention bongos. We don't buy bongo records to hear the cha cha motherfucking cha, just as we don't go to the grocery store to get an oil change. Be better.