99 Things I Hate About You, Numbered Not Ranked

Although, the top ten are not there by accident. The rest aren't ranked. This is a love letter to my Father's spouse:
  1. 99.
    You pronounce tortilla "Tor till ee yah" and think it's cute.
  2. 98.
    You wear real fur
    Likely made from adorable puppies.
  3. 97.
    Your birthday is April Fools Day, and you are a joke.
  4. 96.
    You put on a scary movie the same day that we met you. My dad told you that I don't watch scary movies. That movie was called "Spawn" and now I realize the title was foreshadowing.
  5. 95.
    You had your only child with a married man, he was 55 and you were 26. Your child never knew her father because you set her up for failure.
  6. 94.
    You got pregnant to TRAP that married man because he had a sizable family fortune.
  7. 93.
    When that man passed away, your daughter wasn't invited to her own father's funeral because YOU would have tagged along and demanded life insurance money for her.
  8. 92.
    You married my father for his money.
  9. 91.
    You managed to make this great man into a total idiot by proposing to you 6 weeks after you met.
  10. 90.
    You screamed so loud when my sister called Dad to tell him she is pregnant that he missed what she said entirely. You always steal moments.
  11. 89.
    You put heavy cream in every item you cook, particularly on holidays when restaurants and grocery stores are closed. I'm allergic.
  12. 88.
    You have halitosis
  13. 87.
    Our birthdays aren't even two weeks apart, so you manage to turn my birthday celebration into a day about you.
  14. 86.
    You made me go to a black hair salon in the hood, and they basically burned my scalp off.
  15. 85.
    You paid for my hair-do with my father's money.
  16. 84.
    You forced me to be in the wedding because you thought I'd act right during the ceremony.
    Yeah, I sure didn't! Enjoy those wedding pictures you epic skank!
  17. 83.
    When they asked "does anyone object?" At your wedding, the entire groom's side had to keep themselves from standing up.
    I was told I would get a spanking if I objected. So I am still objecting 18 years later.
  18. 82.
    The year before you came along my dad sewed me a poodle skirt for the school sock hop. The year you arrived, he missed my one and only choir show.
    He just stopped being the guy I knew. This should be his fault, but it made you so happy. You loved when I felt abandoned.
  19. 81.
    You cook bad food. You are a bad cook.
  20. 80.
    You wear kitten heels.
  21. 79.
    You have so many siblings that I don't know which poor black people you AREN'T related to.
  22. 78.
    You try to find a connection with people by asking "What yo mama name?" With not a hint of sarcasm or humor.
  23. 77.
    You pronounce it "Suss- SPOSE- uh- bly"
    You get every syllable more wrong than the last.
  24. 76.
    When you ask me about my hair, and I tell you a new product that worked for me, then you reply "well that's only for YOUR hair"
    As if I am an alien
  25. 75.
    When my step sister says she uses Mixed Chicks products in her kids' hair, and I tell her she is wasting her money... You follow it up by telling her it's because I think my hair is better than her kids' hair.
    I don't use Mixed chicks hair products, you jerk.
  26. 74.
    You stole the grandma name my mom chose just because your daughter had kids before my mom had grandkids. My mom is their Mimi, you are trash. They won't know you.
  27. 73.
    You spell the name MeeeMeee like a goddamned idiot. 6 E's? You are such a tool.
  28. 72.
    You send back food at a Restaurant even when you like it just to show the server you are more powerful than them.
    You are spending my Dad's money. You have no wealth.
  29. 71.
    You put 19 pillows on the guest bed. None of them are for sleeping.
    We have to get pillows out of the closet if we stay the night at Dad's.
  30. 70.
    None of the furniture is for relaxing. Your house feels like a showroom.
    Also, you have terrible taste.
  31. 69.
    Your favorite color was orange until you heard mine was yellow. Now yours is yellow so we have to share.
    I chose yellow when I was 7 because no one liked it and I wanted a color all to my own.
  32. 68.
    You made me attend a celibacy seminar
  33. 67.
    You call your daughter every time you notice she and I are getting along, and you whisper lies to keep her from ever feeling welcome.
    You are so abusive to her, you make her cry. Her tears are your currency.
  34. 66.
    You make me wish my Dad married a Disney villain.
  35. 65.
    You started stupid ghetto traditions for the grandkids. They think it's normal for a five year old to carry a Dooney and Burke purse.
    The ugliest purse. The strap is longer than she is tall.
  36. 64.
    You SING Happy Birthday to Jesus on Christmas Morning. Like he gives a squat about some pagan song. You just want to boss us around.
  37. 63.
    You only act like you know me when we are at church. I prefer we were complete strangers 100% of the time.
  38. 62.
    You threatened to tell my high school that my mom moved 1.3 miles outside of the district my junior year. I'd had been in the same district since I was 4.
  39. 61.
    You think my sister Mika likes you.
    She types your name in text as 👹. She hates you, I'm just happily fighting you for both of us.
  40. 60.
    You wore the exact same dress as me at Mika's wedding. I was in the wedding, not sure why you copied me. You lose when we are compared.
  41. 59.
    Your daughter has the reading comprehension of an 11 year old, and is comfortable doing 3rd grade level math. Because of YOUR parenting.
  42. 58.
    You forced me to stand up and ask to be baptized, saying it was by my own will. I was baptized as a baby, and did not get anything from you making me do it again.
    Except I hated you more.
  43. 57.
    You made me hate church. I love church.
  44. 56.
    You think my grandma's cake recipe is my aunt's. You can't bother to remember why the recipe is special to my father.
  45. 55.
    You think homemade cake with nostalgia is not as good as grocery store cake made by strangers.
  46. 54.
    you are hard to crop out of pictures
    But I'd rather see half of Dad's face than any of yours.
  47. 53.
    You love funerals. You scout them out. You love death and misery.
  48. 52.
    You put a disgusting sexual picture above your bed in my fathers house. Everyone can see it.
  49. 51.
    You referred to my grandpa's wife (of 3 years) as "Mom." No one calls her mom.
  50. 50.
    You changed your disgusting mish-mash of adulterous last names to my last name. This resulted in us sharing initials.
    I was CB long before you were, have several seats.
  51. 49.
    You think I don't like you because my friend in 6th grade said "no one likes their step mom" and not because of the 98 other reasons I have here.
  52. 48.
    You eat fish. You make the house smell. No one ate fish before you came around.
  53. 47.
    You buy expired food because you are a garbage person and expect people to eat it at your many get-togethers.
  54. 46.
    You talk with food in your mouth.
  55. 45.
    You host parties at my dad's house all the time and he is sick of it.
  56. 44.
    You blamed your granddaughters not knowing the difference between me and my sister on the amount of time I spend with them.
    When really, they just called us both "Auntie" for 8 years. We always spent time together.
  57. 43.
    You have 7 sets of plates, bowls, saucers, etc. None are microwave safe, because you are phony.
  58. 42.
    You chased me and stood behind my car when I tried to leave on Christmas night because you said I "had too much to drink." This was a power move because I had half a drink 3 hours before I left.
    I would have run you over.
  59. 41.
    You sell Pampered Chef products and your only customer is my dad's credit card.
  60. 40.
    You buy meat in bulk and throw it in the deep freezer without portioning it. If i want to cook one chicken breast I have to defrost 6 rock solid pounds of chicken.
  61. 39.
    You put boiled eggs and cheese on every salad.
    I can't eat either.
  62. 38.
    You use cloth napkins, and forbid me from using a paper one. You literally grab it out of my hand just to be a jerk.
  63. 37.
    You spoiled my 30th surprise party.
    I still had fun.
  64. 36.
    You always throw surprise parties for Dad. When he doesn't want them! 😠
  65. 35.
    You sing your own words to songs at church. SO LOUD!
  66. 34.
    You talk to the pastor all sermon. Just to make it about you.
  67. 33.
    you don't understand my dog is a female and to stop calling her "he"
  68. 32.
    That my dog can't use a washable plastic bowl for water when you are around. You give her styrofoam which she hates, so she gets no water.
  69. 31.
    You came to Dallas when I had my appendix removed, not to take care of me, but because my mother and father would be in the same room without your supervision.
    You weren't planning to come until you heard mom was also coming alone. My parents aren't cheaters. Both are remarried.
  70. 30.
    You have used the visit to Dallas as "proof" that you "care about me." As if I didn't see through the load of bull.
    Girl, bye.
  71. 29.
    You asked "are you interested in dating... men?" As if I'd have any shame about being a lesbian! I'd love it, you'd hate it.
  72. 28.
    How hard you grab my hand during grace before a meal.
  73. 27.
    That I have to say hello or goodbye to you when I come to visit my father.
  74. 26.
    the one time my father threatened divorce you said he would never see his step grandchildren again.
  75. 25.
    That every episode of Blackish which features Ruby makes me turn away because you are the unfunny version of her, to my Bow.
  76. 24.
    you called the cops on my dad just so he would have a record. You know damn well the only violent person in the house is you. Well, and me. Even the cops didn't believe your lies and he never even got a slap on the wrist.
    I will cut you.
  77. 23.
    you go on the same family vacations as people as I like. I'd love to attend someday, but never with you.
  78. 22.
    you quote "sources" within the family who say I am as shady as you are, yet none of those people speak to you.
    The difference between you and I: you lie, I tell the truth. My stories ALWAYS line up.
  79. 21.
    When I cover my eyes during a sports game because I know someone was about to injure themselves, you NARRATE how they are injured. You force me to picture it.
  80. 20.
    You tell me about motorcyclists getting "scraped" off of semi trucks as if I enjoy trauma porn.
  81. 19.
    When my sister's nicest bridesmaid came to introduce herself at the engagement party and said, "you must be Mika's step mom." Your reply was "Honey, I never stepped on anyone!"
  82. 18.
    You ran into a high school friend of mine, she didn't recognize you, so you called yourself "Boogie's mom." My friend replied, "I've met her mom, and you aren't her."
    Get my mom's name out ya mouf!
  83. 17.
    You and your daughter ALWAYS order the most expensive item on the menu. You are even training the grandkids to do the same.
    Only one person pays for this, and he is ordering a normal priced meal with soda. Not soft shell crab with 3 mojitos.
  84. 16.
    Your daughter's middle name is her father's name + chelle. Lacking some creativity and trying to let the sperm donor know who is really his child.
  85. 15.
    You purposely keep no soaps in your house that my skin can handle. I break out in hives from fragrance. You know this.
  86. 14.
    You make me clean up after your messy cooking, on a holiday that I traveled in town to celebrate, a meal I couldn't eat, after you've refused to cook on disposable cookie sheets and such.
  87. 13.
    When you call yourself a 5th generation Austinite. That's nothing. It's as important as me saying I'm a T-shirt owner.
  88. 12.
    That you watch Madea movies. Living up to the stereotypes.
  89. 11.
    Your terrible driving skills that have totaled 4 cars in 5 years.
  90. 10.
    When you met us three, you thought the vegetarian was the middle sister. You couldn't FATHOM that a hideous kid like me actually had self-discipline.
  91. 9.
    When I was 13, looking for bridesmaid dresses for your wedding you handed my sisters a size 2, and 4. You handed me a size 12. You knew I was a 6. But you wanted to manipulate me.
    Didn't know who you were messing with.
  92. 8.
    You think the things that come naturally to me are solely because of my light skin and not my hard work.
  93. 7.
    You told me I can only go to the Pastor for counseling not a real therapist. When you knew he'd tell you every word I said.
  94. 6.
    You told your daughter that my mother hates her. My mother hates no one. Just because you were jealous doesn't mean you get to put my mom's name in your mouth.
    I am bigger than you, and I am stronger than you. Mention my mom again, and you'll be missing some teeth.
  95. 5.
    That you refuse to listen to my dad when he drops hints about his likes and dislikes. So you have your daughter call me the day before his birthday to see what books he'd like to read.
    I live 200 miles away, and talk to my dad about three times a month. Why am I the only one who listens to him? Also, his birthday is the 25th, every year. Why are you shopping on the 24th?
  96. 4.
    You are the reason Gracia moved away for 9 years. I couldn't find my oldest sister and you are the reason she refused to return.
  97. 3.
    You attempted to tell me EXACTLY how my friend Raven was killed in her car accident.
    Just because you work for 911 doesn't mean I need to know that she suffered.
  98. 2.
    You were such an absent mother that your daughter was repeatedly raped from ages 12 to 14.
  99. 1.
    That you cussed me out (at age 14) and I ran away to my grandmother's house, causing a stressful night for all of us. The next morning I woke up to find out my Nana had passed away about an hr ago. Even though you knew I was thinking it, you said it. "She wouldn't have died if you never went over there. This was your fault."
    You forced me to live with this guilt for the rest of my life. Then you lied when I finally told my Dad about it 2 years ago. I confided in my aunt at the time, and she made sure my Dad knew this was exactly what she said when I was only 14 and mourning the first death in my family. (She didn't die from stress, she died from a heart condition she suffered with for 15+ years. I only was told this 2 years ago.)