Genuine Thoughts When It Felt Like I Was Dying Of A Heart Attack

(It wasn't a heart attack. Just had all the same symptoms. My esophagus tried to kill itself, is the short explanation. Apparently, these are my thoughts on dying.)
  1. Now I won't have to get fired
  2. I'm gonna miss Trump's impeachment
  3. Goodbye student loans
  4. Such a good excuse for not texting people back
  5. At least I don't ever have to go to the gym again
  6. Everyone is going to think I died because of gaining weight
  7. I wonder which exes will come to my funeral
  8. Never have to pay the medical bills for the two MRIs I had in the last 12 months.
  9. Twiggy will live with my mom
  10. My friends from high school are gonna act like we were still close at my funeral
  11. How's that as a response for not getting an invite to your wedding, Anna?
    Stole your thunder, bitch
  12. Dying celibate should get me a better spot in heaven
  13. I hope my sister finds my vibrator and throws it away before my parents do
  14. Living through a heart attack sounds worse than dying from one
  15. If I die of a heart attack, my maternal grandma and I will have something in common
  16. I wish I owned a house before my life was over
  17. My book could be published posthumously
  18. I'll find a way to blame it on my stepmother when I haunt her.
    I fully intend to be a ghost.
  19. I'm totally fine if this is the end
  20. I am so relieved
  21. Dying is easy. Living is harder.
  22. It lasted an hour. A lot of thinking went on.