Harris Wittels Best Quotes

One of the funniest guys on the planet would have turned 33 this Thursday. Unfortunately he passed away before his 31st birthday. Here are some of his best jokes.
  1. "You guys know I came up with 'Humblebrag?'"
    It was a humblebrag in itself!
  2. "I may not know about a lots of thing, but I know I am a smartest guy on the world."
    Sent as a tweet.
  3. "Can I ask you a question Scott? Cause I can't find this anywhere. Is the movie Precious based on the book Push by Sapphire?"
  4. "When a car starts going a little before the light turns green, I'm like "oh shit they've been to this intersection before." I like that move."
  5. "Nothing worse than an adult guy super into his birthday."
  6. "Those were like Omar and Mike taking out the trash. Good Epps"
    He was complimenting podcast episodes, good eps.
  7. "You know old wives tales? Are the wives old or is the tale?"
  8. "Cole's Law: Cabbage and Mayonnaise is disgusting"
  9. "It'd be funny if two days after a baby was born it said 'I wasn't born yesterday!' It's like yeah, but barely."
  10. "In [movie] trailers, I love when they cut right in the middle of someone saying "motherf*cker." Hell yeah I'm gonna see it! Gotta see if they say it!"
  11. "Malcolm Gmail Warner"
  12. "Hey straight dudes in favor of gay marriage: put your money where your mouth is and marry a dude! (ie. me)"
  13. "Wifi? Because fi"
  14. "Sorry to bum you out, but those two otters that held hands broke up and don't even speak anymore. There's kids too. It's a whole mess."
  15. "My friend can't read and he's trying to be a DJ. His DJ name is JD Dyslexic"
  16. "What's tightest about adulthood: if I open a pack of fruitsnacks and there ain't enuff reds, I can just CHUNK that bitch and open a new one."
  17. "It's cool when actors laughingly talk about their old, shitty jobs that many people currently have."
  18. "We need a punctuation between the period and the exclamation point. Sometimes I don't wanna commit to a yell, but want a lil sumthin on it."
  19. "Not to be "that guy" but sometimes it seems like ALL plutonium is weapons grade!"
  20. "If you don't like blowing me, you can suck my dick."
  21. "A watched pot never boils? Yes it does!"
  22. "How come the shelves at Bed Bath and Beyond are so tall? They should call that place Tall Shelves Tall Shelves and Tall Shelves."
  23. "Church is just a book club about the bible."
  24. "No more texting on elevators. Let's be ready for your floor, people. No more making that surprised "oop" sound. Get in the game."
  25. "Downhill and uphill are both bad. It's weird that they both mean a bad thing. It's all downhill from here. It's all uphill from here. Both shitty!"
  26. "You know Amazon the website? What does that look like in person? That's gotta be one big room, huh?"
  27. "My therapist told me to look inward, and I though he said "Look n-word."
  28. "Be nice to all babies because you never know — they could grow up to be hot."
  29. "At the risk of stereotyping, I feel like all gay people are attracted to people of their own gender."
  30. "I wonder what vibe I carry when I walk into a room. Lord I hope it's chill."
  31. "I hate smoking sections, unless we are talking about the movie The Mask with Jim Carey. Then the smoking section is my favorite part!"
  32. "'It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Queef' -What you can say to a girl if she queefs and you don't care for it."
  33. "Bill Maher the Science Gaher"
  34. "If a girl tells you her name is Jen, ask her if it's short for Jenital. She'll be putty in your hands."
  35. "How much is this stadium gonna cost? Ballpark figure."
  36. "If someone is being egregious, call them Egregious Philbin."
  37. "Have to pee often? Drink more corks #lifehack"
  38. "When you see an audience clapping, it makes me feel like we are animals. "I like that! I hit my hands!" It's so dumb of us."
  39. "Wheat thins? Call me when they're Wheat Thicks! Gimme that wheat!"
  40. "I've decided I'm not gonna get married until gay people can get married. Cause I'm gay!"
  41. "I said to a guy that I loved learning new things; I was like 'I'm a bit of an infomaniac.' He thought I said nymphomaniac, so he f*cked me. And I said 'no no no! I like info! I'm an INFOmaniac!' And he said 'well here's some info, you just got f*cked. Clean yourself up.'"
  42. Rest in peace Twittels.