This has been in my drafts for 6 months, I feel very weird sharing it. My lifelong illnesses should be called "If you give a tween a diet" in the form of "if you give a mouse a cookie"
  1. I can't feel hunger like a normal person. I was determined to be thin since the age of 9, and I became very good at skipping meals.
    Now that I can't key into what hunger feels like, I often end up getting a headache hours after I should have eaten. I stick to a schedule, but if things get busy, I could miss 2 or more meals without noticing. It's rarely led to weight loss.
  2. I have low iron counts because I stopped eating red meat in protest of my stepmother's existence 18 years ago.
    So now I have to take iron supplements and she's still married to my dad 😒 I can't and won't reintroduce them in my diet because they now make my digestive system shut down. So does she.
  3. I stopped having regular trips to the restroom after I embraced the use of laxatives to aid in weight loss.
    You start to need them the more you use him. This was years ago in high school. Laxatives were almost cool in the dance crowd, especially for girls my size (I was a MASSIVE size 5/6 in HS)
  4. This was how I looked when I was the most uncomfortable with my weight in high school.
    So many people encouraged my hatred of my body. Seeing it now, it's perfect, it worked, I had 2 arms, 2 legs. My parents wanted perfect children, I was always too "fat" to be perfect.
  5. I caused myself to get acid reflux...
  6. Which led to my dairy allergy...
  7. Which led to my severely low Vitamin B-12 counts...
  8. I now have a fun chronic immune disease called Eosinophilic Esophagitis due to the weakening of my esophagus...
  9. All because I was bulimic for 3 years.
    I got mono my first semester of college and wanted to maintain the weight loss. No one in the whole world knew this until right now. I was 21 when I "cured" myself of it. I was very sneaky, but also got very thin. One friend saw me after a month or so and jokingly said "are you purging?" Like it was a compliment. I had never been skinnier, and never more miserable. Don't let that smile fool you.
  10. I kept the weight off by taking adderall my final year of college.
    I was also legitimately busy and depressed for not being picked for the sorority my sister was in at another college. So I couldn't gain weight due to being busy, but didn't purge at all.
  11. Adderall triggered some mild OCD I've always had, and I began to pull out strands of hair. I lost a lot of hair.
    Had to cut it off to look like there was some volume. One picture of the "bob" haircut. I graduated college 10 pounds less than my high school graduation weight. This was more important to me than my degree at the time.
  12. I couldn't sleep anymore because my daytime life was all uppers (diet pills and venti coffee). So I got on ambien.
    This is a current glamour shot of my sleepy face.
  13. Ambien was a terrible thing to be given with my addictive personality. I lived for that stuff for the next 7 years.
    I hate my doctor for ever giving into my request. It was my fault, I just wish they said no sometimes.
  14. Because of the previous 13 years of restricting food, the loss of guilt I felt with ambien caused me to binge eat after taking the medicine.
  15. I gained 50+ lbs in 6 years. When the ambien lost its power, my doctor doubled the dose and I added Motrin PM myself.
    Me at my heaviest, taken this March.
  16. The daily Motrin caused an ulcer. Somehow this also got to my appendix and caused it to nearly rupture and obviously get removed.
  17. All to be skinny and pretty.
    Which both mean nothing to me anymore. This girl is me, she's healthier, she's alive, she has full hair, and clear(ish) skin. She has no dark secrets to hide.
  18. I am off of all of it with no professional help at any stage.
    My mom had the exact same eating issues at the same age. To be honest, both of my parents prefer me thinner and don't realize how ill I was at my thinnest. They are ashamed I look the way I do now. I'm not.
  19. I'm going to get a therapist before I find a new way to self sabotage.
    The only way I got out of each addiction was through prayer. It worked, but I will be a bulimic for life. I don't binge or purge, but every day I wish I could. If I started it up again, the "you lost weight" compliments would ensure I would be pulled back into purging.
  20. Wow, thanks for listening. This was long.
    I want to apologize for oversharing, but I am happy to have let this out. I can start a new chapter now.