1. Where's Matt?
    We look and look for him. We are at work, in the middle of a work day. He has been missing for about 35 minutes. My boss walks in from his trip to the bank, we assume it's Matt. It's not. We ask if he's seen Matt. "Oh, he's in the parking lot practicing his golf swing. With no club or ball." Air swinging in the parking lot.
  2. Laminated
    Coworker sends out an email with a document we should have displayed at our desks. She includes at the end of the email "if you would like it laminated, just ask." Matt replies "I'd like mine gold-plated!" (Not a soul laughs. A tumbleweed rolls by inside the office as he patiently awaits our laughter. It never comes.) He says it again "I want mine plated with GOLD." (Emphasis his.) We all commit a 12 person murder suicide instead of laughing.
  3. "You guys are missin out, look at this!"
    He grabs a small bowl of tortilla chips that have been out for everyone to eat all day, but since he put salsa on TOP of his chips, he thought his bowl was special. Hey Matt, those are stale cold chips. We aren't missing out. He then spoke with pico de gallo in his mouth and we all died.
  4. 100 Grand
    "Did you tell Mike I gave you 100 Grand yesterday?" Says Matt, followed by his laughter and his alone. You see, yesterday he gave Kristin a 100 Grand candy bar after she mentioned it was her favorite. He really found that joke to be hilarious. Kristin played along much nicer than I could. She calmly said "I kept that between us," and gave a silent smile and the makings of a pity laugh that resulted in no sound.
  5. "It'll be good once you have kids since you can do that from home."
    Um, Matt has no ability to read the room, or any signals. I am currently working on a special events mobile app for the company and our new vendor has me doing a lot more of the development. Matt says that will be a great skill for when I have kids, because app developing can be done from home. Um, how do I tell him that I'd have a house husband long before I'd be able to survive working at home. These ovaries confuse people. Wtf, Matt?!
  6. The warmed sandwich
    Matthew likes to warm up his school lunch everyday in the microwave. He's not great at paying attention, so after a 30 second run in the microwave... He realized he warmed a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Which made me realize his wife makes his lunch. Oh Matt. Your poor wife!
  7. "I scanned all by myself!"
    That's what the 39 year old man says as he walks out of the copy room. He has been trained how to scan a sheet of paper since April. This is mid November and he just. figured. it. out.
  8. Donuts
    Matt grabs a bag of donut holes sitting next to me like he is going to eat them. But he is only joke-eating them. I say "have some" and he goes "No, I think Aileen wants some real bad." Um, Matt, Aileen brought the donut holes and gave me the ones she couldn't finish. Why are you always in our grill? Just eat the donuts!
  9. He also acts like every package is a Christmas present.
    It's folders at best, Matt. This is an Office Depot box. Why did you come out of your office to watch her open the box? It's not candy or a racecar kiddo!
  10. Small Favor
    Matt says "Can you do me a huge favor?" I give him this face 😒. He says "can you remind me to pick up my kids?" I said "do you need to leave early?" He says "no, I just need to remember that they will not be home unless I get them, and it's easy to forget." 😳
  11. Hey Matt!
    He gets paid more than me... Thanks genitalia!
  12. Guys, I just realized I forgot to remind him to pick up his kids... It's 9:30. I'm sure he got them. Right? Crap.