This list is rated LIST MA. Reader discretion is advised. The list contains triggers for both prescription drug abuse and assault. Also, it's long.
  1. Let's set the scene first. I was 24, living in Chicago for work.
    I worked with about 40 men and two women. The women were married to 2 of those 40 men.
  2. I moved out to Chicago mostly because I was forced out of the house by my mom and step dad. They thought I'd just live there forever. Also, my on-again off-again bf was working at the place that offered me the job.
  3. I hated it there. Chicago seems to be a fine place. But the job sucked, the money sucked, I lived in an extended stay hotel, and the boyfriend was almost entirely off-again.
    I got to Chicago in June, he said I should come so we could spend more time together. I didn't see him outside of work until late August.
  4. I was depressed (small d, not clinically) so I slept a lot while I was there. On the nights I had to struggle to sleep I'd take an ambien.
    I had been on them for about 2 years at this point.
  5. One night, I forgot if I had taken one, so I took another.
    Ambien zaps your short term memory almost immediately after taking it. So the only time you aren't sure you took one, is when you took one already.
  6. I still wasn't sleepy, so I took some motrin pm.
    Then I took more. Maybe 6 or 8.
  7. Still wasn't sleepy so I took a xanax (I think, this part is so hard to remember) or two and then a third ambien.
  8. This was not long after Heath Ledger died and I realized I had the two main drugs in my system that he had in his, so I called my mom to see what to do.
  9. She said, "are you sure this was an accident?" It truly was, all I wanted was sleep. Then she told me to call poison control and see what they say.
    I'll spare you, they said nothing. They had no advice or anything. They said it'll leave my system eventually. Good to know that I'll die if I ever need poison control's help.
  10. My mom told me to call the bf, we'll call him Mario. She said to have Mario stay the night so he can call 911 if I can't wake up.
    I called him and he came over.
  11. Mario spoke to my mom on the phone when he got there and knowing my mom, she said this: "Thanks so much, she should just sleep. Keep an eye on her. She'll get really sick if she stays awake on ambien. Call if you need me."
  12. Mario hangs up the phone and even in my confused state I know the next thing he said was utter bull. "Your mom says I need to keep you awake all night." I can see the lie in his eyes.
    I think I tell him that she didn't say that. I think I said that ambien will make me useless for 24 hours if I stay awake on it. I think I tell him to stop lying.
  13. The next thing I know he is taking my clothes off of me. I have no real responses because I am basically asleep.
    I roofied myself (so to speak) and can't get him off of me.
  14. All I want to do is sleep and I think I tell him that. I KNOW I told him to get off. I KNOW I didn't want this. I KNOW I didn't give any indication that this evening was meant to be a hookup.
    He continues for a long time. He is disgusting, I think I even fall asleep at some point. He'd have sex with a corpse it seems. My hatred for him grows with every kiss I turn away from.
  15. He was the one person who was supposed to keep me safe in Chicago. He was the only person who abused me, assaulted me.
  16. I don't even know if what he did was illegal. It was all so murky. I was so hurt. I needed help that night.
    I woke up wishing I hadn't woke up.
  17. I buried this memory for 6+ years and I have no idea why it returned today.