REASONS WHY THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS IS A REAL THING

  1. Jenny won't return my calls and is ignoring my Facebook pokes.
  2. Baby Jesus has yet to replace that mermaid on the Starbucks cups.
  3. Still no Kanye Christmas album.
  4. Mall parking merely aggravating, not soul crushing.
  5. No one will publish our Truman Capote Christmas Memory fan fiction. It's good, we promise!
  6. Aunt Sally always gives me socks. SOCKS!
  7. Fruit cakes.