George of the Jungle vs Tarzan: The Sexual Tension on the Mind of My Four-year-old Self

Alternate title: My First Time. I'm glad I chose the latter.
  1. Disclaimer: I didn't have sex.
  2. Confused? Don't worry, I was too.
  3. This is about the first time I experienced something sexual.
  4. It's not between someone else and I.
  5. Well, both but it was definitely something more than someone.
  6. Something and I.
  7. Here goes.
  8. I'm four years old and I'm watching George of the Jungle. The one with Brendan Fraser.
  9. I'm loving the movie so far; the talking Gorilla is my favorite!
    John Cleese, thank you!
  10. Being a kid, I see talking animals and I automatically think Disney.
  11. But no, it's one of those movies that sprinkle in a few adult jokes and innuendos that fly over kids' heads and still calls itself a kid's movie.
  12. Unbeknownst to me, the times my father was laughing, I wasn't and I wanted to know why but didn't know how to ask.
  13. It threw me for a loop because I laughed at the parts I thought were funny but my dad didn't.
  14. Looking back on the film, I can see how it's almost completely sexualized.
  15. First off, a man untouched by modern civilization is living in a jungle in the buff.
    Sounds like someone we know but I can't put my finger on it...
  16. He has a curiosity about the opposite sex, granted he's never seen another human since birth.
  17. Exhibit A
  18. Exhibit B
  19. Their innocence brought on by their lack of knowledge over the outside world and society's expectations makes them the ideal man or perfect catch.
    No wonder women go for the clueless jock! They got muscles on muscles except where it counts. 💡
  20. With George, he decides to brave the new world and leaves his jungle home to live with love interest, Ursula.
  21. With Tarzan, the opposite happens and Jane decides to stay with him and live in the jungle.
  22. Both Jane and Ursula leave their potential fiancés for two men of the loincloth.
  23. The same romantic story is told and is arguably sexually driven as well.
  24. Now for the movie that influenced my sexual fruition the most.
  25. George of the Jungle
    This special scene.
  26. I mean he's dripping with sweat or oiled up and he's naked, innocent but naked.
  27. Ursula brings her friend/co-worker to her apartment to introduce George.
  28. But to their surprise, they get this:
  29. This one scene of naked Branden Fraser gave me my first erection... at four-years-old.
  30. I was so surprised at the time that I got up and ran behind the couch to assess the situation and any possible damage.
  31. My father had left the room at the time and he saw me kneeled down behind the couch and I asked him about it.
  32. His answer: it will go down.
  33. Will it? It doesn't feel like it!
  34. Here I am trying to quell this newfound beast and it's absolutely raging.
  35. It's head was just lashing up and down, back and forth.
  36. Putting pressure on it and adjusting my underwear DID NOT help at all.
  37. So I let it poke around before it decided to be at rest.
  38. I'm not saying I was attracted to Branden Fraser.
  39. I'm just saying he was responsible for my first boner.
  40. There, I said it. Now just promise we can still be friends!