How I Will Teach My Kids The Birds and The Bees

Kids are born curious, they expect answers and I'm going to give it to them. Inspired by: @emmak @ninachainz and @roozly
  1. 1.
    Show them all The Office romances (one episode at a time).
    Don't settle for something like Ryan and Kelly. Go for Jim and Pam, but if you want to really have fun, try Michael and... We'll cover that later.
  2. 2.
    Tell them cooties are STDs.
    Don't kiss anyone unless the feeling's right or you know that you like them. Otherwise, avoid the body of the opposite sex and you won't get mono or something worse.
  3. 3.
    Show them images of the endocrine and reproductive systems.
    You can't see it but it's inside you. And the other stuff you can see is our next lesson.
  4. 4.
    Show them pictures of the sexual organs.
    They have to know what it is of course and be aware of the other parties who don't have what they have as well. Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina. Simply said and done (Thanks Kindergarten Cop!)
  5. 5.
    The birds and the bees are a metaphor.
    What for? Well, you see kids, when two people love each other very much, they tend to have things in common. Birds and bees fly, so naturally they would be together. Also, their differences make them appreciate who they are.
  6. 6.
    Tell them they may have urges.
    There might come a time when your... lower member might get... bothered. That's perfectly normal and natural. It might come as a surprise (good way to sum that up), but don't be alarmed if you end up wet. Think of it like sweating. A lot.
  7. 7.
    Show them where babies come from.
    The stork is a cover-up for three-year-olds. You're four now, so let's talk anatomical awareness. The boy's lower member hugs the girl's lower member and then the girl's lower member makes another boy or girl. It's just like baking a cake; the girl is the oven and the boy is the ingredients.
  8. 8.
    Safe sex is not a myth.
    At some point or another, they'll come across pornography and what they might see will create unrealistic expectations. The way to have sex should be mutual with nonaggression and the outcome should be a safe experience between you and your partner. Remember to also wear a condom if you don't plan on having a child quite yet.
  9. 9.
    Do not be absent from abstinence.
    You don't need to snap yourself with a rubber band every time you can't control the urge or wear a chastity belt or ring. Take a break from your sexual tendencies through moderation. I won't say it's not healthy to stimulate yourself but don't turn it into a bad habit.
  10. 10.
    Be happy. Be healthy.
    Buzz is right, not only is this motto a great way to promote my favorite cereal, it's something to live by, it's a simple truth. Happiness is close to healthiness. Have a nice relationship with whomever you so choose!