THINGS YOU CAN PROBABLY TALK TO SOMEONE ELSE ABOUT

No, I don't want to hear about these topics, talk to someone else.
  1. Your time abroad.
    For the love of God if you tell me about how x country is like "so much cooler than here" I will fantasize about kicking you in your shin.
  2. Parties.
    You were invited somewhere to mingle and hang out with hip people. Cool. Now shutup.
  3. Your outfit.
    Yeah i can see you're wearing clothes. Stop telling the whole world about your thought process in putting on those clothes this morning. You're not 3, you don't get a standing ovation for being able to put on clothes.
  4. Your friends in college.
    Unless you friend from college is like a doctor and can give me surgery for free or some shit then I didn't know them and don't care. I had my own friends. Because I'm popular as shit.
  5. Your fraternity/sorority.
    Mixers. Themed events. "Dad bods." Those fucking pastel colored shorts that scream "well hey man, I don't gotta be gay to be in touch with my feminine side. See look how many natty lights i drink." I HATE IT ALL!
  6. Your podcast.
    Lol just kidding. Your podcast is probably fun. Feel free to tell me about your podcast.
  7. Vacation friends.
    YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN. THOSE STUPID PEOPLE YOU MET ON VACATION AND COME HOME AND JABBER ON ABOUT. STOP TRYING TO CONVINCE ME THEYRE YOUR REAL FRIENDS. IT'S THE EQUIVALENT OF A ONE NIGHT STAND. OF THAT ONE WEEK IN HIGH SCHOOL YOU WERE "REALLY INTO" WRITING BECAUSE YOU WROTE A POEM IN ENGLISH CLASS. THAT TIME FRESHMEN YEAR YOU TRIED TO CONVINCE YOURSELF AND EVERYONE AROUND YOU THAT YOU ACTUALLY ENJOYED THE TASTE OF CHEAP VODKA TO PROVE HOW PARTY WORTH YOU WERE. ITS A RUSE. A HOAX. NOT REAL.