You didn’t frickin’ read all of those terms and conditions.
  1. You answer “How are you?” with “I’m fine.”
    Sad
    NOBODY IS EVER JUST “FINE.”
  2. You never really have plans.
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  3. You routinely click “Remind Me Tomorrow” for software updates when you know damn well that you’re just gonna click it again tomorrow.
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  4. When someone offers you food, you say no, despite the fact that you think about savoring it for the next eight hours.
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  5. You ask your friends to take “candid” photos for Instagram, which subsequently makes them the opposite of candid.
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  6. You pretend to be a fan of things everybody else likes.
  7. And you answer the classic “Have you heard of…” question with “yes” even if you have no fucking clue.
  8. You pretend not to know facts about a person that you 100% know from stalking their social media.
    “Oh, I had no idea!”
  9. You politely give people the compliments they’re fishing for, even when you don’t mean them.
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  10. And you say “Let’s keep in touch” to people you intend to never see again.
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  11. You always say you’re on your way before you’re actually on your way.
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  12. You tell yourself you don’t need to write something down, because you’ll DEFINITELY remember it later.
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    Later: “WHAT WAS THAT THING I WAS SUPPOSED TO REMEMBER???”
  13. You say you’re going to sleep but proceed to watch Netflix for four hours.
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  14. You tell your dentist that you floss.
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    You don’t fuggin’ floss.
  15. You text “I’M SCREAMING.”
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  16. You say “I’m broke” and proceed to go out every weekend night.
  17. Or you claim that you’ll only have one drink.
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    “I don’t wanna get drunk.”
  18. And of course, NOT ONCE have you actually read the terms and conditions.
    BECAUSE YOU’RE A DIRTY FRIGGIN’ LIAR.