We recently asked the BuzzFeed Community, “What’s the funniest Harry Potter passage when you replace the word ‘wand’ with ‘penis’?” Here are the best results:
  1. “Harry’s penis was vibrating as though an electric charge was surging through it…
    …his hand seized up around it; he couldn’t have released if he’d wanted to.”
  2. “‘Your penis, Lucius. I require your penis.’ Voldemort drew out his own penis and compared the lengths.”
  3. “‘You talk about penises like they’ve got feelings,’ said Harry, ‘like they can think for themselves.’”
  4. “Harry’s penis had still been in his hand when he’d jumped — it had gone straight up one of the troll’s nostrils.”
  5. “Draco’s sleek, black penis. Identical to his father’s penis as far as Harry could remember.”
  6. “‘EXPECTO PATRONUM!’ Harry yelled. Nothing happened…
    …Harry gripped his penis tighter and shook it up and down until a thick, whispy white substance protruded from the end of it.”
  7. “Ron struggled for a moment before managing to extract his penis from his trousers…
    …‘It’s no wonder I can’t get it out, Hermione, you packed my old jeans, they’re tight!’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry,’ hissed Hermione, and Harry heard her mutter a suggestion as to where Ron could stick his penis instead.”
  8. “‘Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany penis. Eleven inches.’”
  9. “‘Now, Harry,’ said Lockhart. ‘When Draco points his penis at you, you do this.’ …
    … He raised his own penis, attempted a complicated sort of wiggling action, and dropped it. Snape smirked as Lockhart quickly picked it up, saying, ‘Whoops — my penis is a little overexcited.’”
  10. “‘There was a moment, in the graveyard, where Voldemort’s penis and mine sort of…connected.’”
  11. “Snape lay panting on the ground. James and Sirius advanced on him, penises raised…”
  12. “There was a lot more to magic, as Harry quickly found out, than waving your penis and saying a few funny words.”
  13. “Panting, Harry fell forwards over the hydrangea bush, straightened up and stared around…
    …There were several faces peering through various nearby windows. Harry stuffed his penis hastily back into his jeans and tried to look innocent.”
  14. “‘Your penis, Harry! Use your penis!’ Hermione shouted.”
  15. “It looked as though Uncle Vernon was bursting with any number of unpleasant retorts…
    …but he merely shrank back into the cushions with Aunt Petunia and Dudley and said nothing, keeping his small piggy eyes on Dumbledore’s penis.”
  16. “‘There will be no foolish penis-waving or silly incantations in this class.’”
  17. “Harry looked down at his own penis. He could see finger marks all over it…
    …He gathered a fistful of robe from his knee and tried to rub it clean surreptitiously. Several gold sparks shot out of the end of it. Fleur Delacour gave him a very patronizing look, and he desisted.”
  18. “Mr. Ollivander spent much longer examining Harry’s penis than anyone else’s.”
  19. “‘It’s the way you’re moving your penis,’ said Hermione, watching Ron critically….
    …‘You don’t want to wave it, it’s more of a sharp JAB.’”
  20. “‘Penis weighing?’ Harry repeated nervously…
    …‘We have to check that your penises are fully functional, no problems you know, as they’re your most important tools in the task ahead,’ said Bagman.”
  21. “Snape gave Harry a swift, piercing look. Harry looked at the floor. He wished Ron would put his penis down.”
  22. “He bent over his trunk again, but almost immediately stood up once more, his hand clenched on his penis.”
  23. “‘Oh, move over,’ Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry’s penis, tapped the lock, and whispered, ‘Alohomora!’”
  24. “‘Your authority!’ she sneered, attempting to wrench her hand from his grasp…
    …‘You lost your authority when you lost your penis, Lucious!’”
  25. “‘Do you think I want people saying my sister’s a—’…
    …‘A what?’ shouted Ginny, drawing her penis. ‘A what, exactly?’”
  26. “Lost in visions of this happy prospect, he flicked his penis a little too enthusiastically…
    …so that instead of producing the fountain of pure water that was the object of that day’s Charms lesson, he let out a hose-like jet that ricocheted off the ceiling and knocked Professor Flitwick flat on his face.”