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Throw out everything you own!
- •Peepholes that turn into camerasIt is simple to place a tiny little spy camera in a peephole that can look into your house. That way, if a secret agent knocks on your door, pretending to be a delivery man with “those shoes you ordered from Zappos,” the CIA can see whether or not you stand right on the other side of the door, debating whether or not to open it and ultimately deciding to return to the kitchen until the deliveryman goes away.
- •Blenders that turn into camerasAlthough it is dangerous to create due to the number of blades, blenders that turn into cameras offer clear wiretapping advantages, since they are usually placed on the tops of refrigerators, where they are easily forgotten and offer excellent vantage points.
- •Dog collars that turn into camerasI have 15 dogs in my apartment, and now none of them have collars. They are also all guard dogs to protect me from spies, so the next time my “friends” come to visit they’re going to get a thorough inspection from a pack of rabid, unlicensed canines who have not been checked for worms.
WARNING: This post has absolutely nothing to do with your rights. Please don't cite it if you're talking with a cop
- •Don’t show up with rollerblades on your hands and feetWhile it might be tempting to attend a protest wearing rollerblades, it isn’t advisable. Even less advisable is turning out with two pairs of roller blades on both your feet AND hands. There’s no need to do this. You’ll look silly and if you trip and fall you could end up rolling along the ground on all fours, possibly injuring yourself or others.
- •Don’t bring a garbage bag full of plastic spoons and then hand them out to other protestors while saying “Never use this spoon.”Look, your intentions might be good but most people won’t understand why you’re giving them a plastic spoon. And they CERTAINLY won’t understand why they’re not allowed to use them. Best just to leave the spoons at home and focus on protesting.
- •Don’t hold a huge sign with a photo of an orchid on it that says “ORCHIDS ARE ADULT HUMANS!!”Don’t hold a huge sign with a photo of an orchid on it that says “ORCHIDS ARE ADULT HUMANS!!”
Besides "I was thinking about someone smoking pot and became frozen with terror"
- •“Um… I was too busy looking like if a lawn ornament could somehow be stricken with progeria.”
- •“I, uh, I was preoccupied with being the answer to the question, ‘What if The Curious Case of Benjamin Button had been written by Ayn Rand?'”
- •“Uh, well, I was too focused on looking like if Judge Smails from Caddyshack fucked that dipshit claymation elf dentist from Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer.“
Famed neurosurgeon Dr. Ben Carson hopes to bring his incisive surgical skills to the Department of Housing & Urban Development. Well, if these quotes are any indication, he’ll be just fine.
- •Inspiring stuff.
- •Wow. When you put it that way, it makes so much sense.
- •Perhaps we should, Dr. Carson. Perhaps we should.
Trey Gowdy, the only person who loves Benghazi more than the creator of this infamous acrostic, is a man of many hairstyles. Some of these coifs are relatively tame, if a little out of place for a congressman. Others? Well, let’s just say I’m sorry this article includes pictures.
- •The MMA FighterOkay, first off, nobody over the age of 30 should be legally allowed to style their hair like this. He looks like the default character in a UFC video game’s career mode. Considering what’s coming up next, though, this one’s pretty reasonable.
- •The Obviously-Evil Grand Vizier“Ah, yeah, so can you somehow do a combover on the side of my fucking head? If you could also make my forehead look insanely huge, that’d be perfect. Thanks.”
- •The Will Ferrell In Eastbound & DownOut of all the characters in Eastbound & Down to emulate, you pick Ashley Shaffer? Really?
Yesterday, President Donald Trump gave his first address to a joint session of Congress, garnering much more positive reviews from pundits and observers than many of his previous speeches. Trump did avoid saying anything overtly racist. So I guess we should praise that? That’s presidential, right? Here are some of the highlights.
- •When he looked at the Democratic congresswomen wearing white dresses and did not say, “You look fantastic, absolutely fantastic, because white is my favorite color.”He did not say that, so he is definitely qualified to be president.
- •2. When he remembered Boeing, then took a stand and did not utter the sentence, “One day, I dream that this plane will take all of the immigrants out of the country.”Can you imagine how offended people would be if the President of the United States proposed placing all of the foreign-born individuals on one 787 Dreamliner bound for Frankfurt? Wow, he really showed his mettle by refusing to even mention that possibility!
- •When he discussed school choice and boldly did not say, “This reminds me of those amazing private schools that were established for white students after Brown v. Board of Education.”Trump has bravely not praised these so-called “segregation academies” through the brilliant strategy of not knowing about them.
Senator Marco Rubio drew criticism recently after saying he refuses to participate in town hall meetings because people will “heckle and scream at him. But when an old tweet of his resurfaced in which he emphasized the importance of listening to angry Tea Party supporters at town hall, questions were raised. Here are the rest.
- •1Whoops! Not a great look, Senator. It couldn’t get much more embarrassing for Marco “I Hate Town Halls” Rubio, could it? Well, think again. As these tweets show, be careful when saying nice things about town hall meetings – it could come back to haunt you.
- •2Yikes! It sure seems like Marco actually likes town halls, huh? I bet his face is red.
- •3Wow. For a guy who supposedly hates talking at town halls, this is a bit out of character, don’t you think?
Attorney General Jeff Sessions and the Justice Department have come under fire recently for revoking Obama administration transgender bathroom guidelines, as well as speaking out against recreational marijuana usage. But that’s not all they have planned for the American people – check this out!
- •McDonald’s All-Day Breakfast will be outlawed.Having breakfast “all day” dilutes the importance of the classic American meal of breakfast. Makes total sense.
- •All word processing programs will be legally required to have IMPACT as the default font.Calibri sucks. No argument here.
- •Every movie in the Fast & Furious franchise will be retroactively renamed to reflect the order of release.Goodbye, 2 Fast 2 Furious. Hello, The Fast & The Furious 2.
That look in his eyes? It's loneliness.
- •1. That time he noticed that it was a beautiful day outside and thought that it would be a good chance to work on his golf game with new buddiesMost likely, Pence has been trying to improve his golf skills ever since he joined the campaign in July. After finally perfecting the three-foot putt, he must have determined that he was ready to invite Donald Trump to play a leisurely 18 holes at Mar-a-Lago. But right when he was going to ask Trump, the President announced that he would be playing golf with the visiting Japanese Prime Minister, Shinzo Abe.
- •That time when he was walking towards the Oval Office with Scrabble and Steve Bannon took it awayThis is from the moment after Vice President told the Senior Counselor to the President that he was going to invite him to join in since “Scrabble is no fun with only two people,” to which Bannon replied, “My friend the President doesn’t have time for your word games,” emphasizing the words “my friend.”
- •That time he glimpsed a farmers’ market from his windowRecalling the markets he would visit on the Indiana gubernatorial campaign trail, Pence realized that he could just make out the tops of the tents by looking wistfully past the glass. According to reports, he suddenly snapped to and said to his aide, “Why, I’m the Vice President! I can buy goat cheese if I want! Maybe Donald wants to go, too!” But the President was not in the mood for an artisanal shopping experience, given that he had just finished eating his KFC bucket.
The Neopets mods are a fickle bunch
- •The Neopets message board mods have itchy trigger fingersIt seemed as though all of my posts were removed within minutes. What happened to free speech? What happened to the 1st Amendment? Although honestly, as much as it pains me to say it, I was impressed with their response time.
- •Lots of specific words are forbiddenHere are just a few of the words – most of which describe our friend Lt. Gen. Flynn – that you aren’t allowed to post on the Neoboards: “Politics” “Political” “Military” “Army” “Martial arts” “Ruggedly good-looking” "Infowars kicks ass” “Pigs have curly dicks like their tails” “We need to bomb Tehran for sure” “Pedophiles” “Government” “My smart son has convinced me that the government is full of pedophiles.” Looks like the scourge of fascism has spread to Neopets.com
- •Neopets users are strongly anti-warGranted, it was a sample size of one, but still.