13 Reasons Why I Don’t Deserve To Die Prematurely Even Though I Probably Will

By our columnist Sophia Benoit
  1. I use a reusable water bottle
    That’s right! Unlike some people at my work place, I don’t just grab a new disposable water bottle out of the fridge every day like an animal. I’m trying to save the earth here!
  2. I drive a Prius
    I didn’t choose it or anything, it was a hand-me-down—but my carbon footprint is so small.
  3. I stopped using all the low-level bad words that were socially acceptable in the late ‘90s/early 2000s very quickly
    I already wasn’t saying them much because I’m good and a good person but like I stopped within like a month or two of someone telling me “hey, let’s not say that word!”
  4. My doctor was one time trying to check for fibroids (don’t look those up—you don’t need to know what they are for this story) and she was like “oh man, I can’t tell if you have them because your abs are too thick!
    She basically shouted it. That’s why I put an exclamation point. She couldn’t feel the fibroids! Because my strong abs. No one who has abs deserves to die. (Please note: I OBVIOUSLY don’t think people who have less thick abs deserve to die. I’m a good person and I don’t think mean things).
  5. I don’t write paragraphs long Facebook statuses unless they are woke and good
    Can you say the same?
  6. Not that I’ve had the opportunity, but I’ve NEVER done cocaine
    I know! I’m basically as healthy as someone who has eaten a cake pop every day (for the last four days) can possibly be.
  7. I don’t eat red meat…that much
    Have you even tried a steak? I'm a hero.
  8. I don’t talk to my racist grandparents anymore
    Not because they’re racist, but because they’re dead. I still think this is a point in my favor, though.
  9. When I go through the security line at the airport I know exactly what to do because I listen to and follow the TSA’s instructions
    I only use 2 bins MAXIMUM. And I know that my laptop has to be taken out of my bag. He’s been saying it for 45 minutes! Please listen.
  10. I’m never on my phone when I get to the register and I always know what I want to order
  11. I started exfoliating before moisturizing
    The apocalypse can’t happen when I’m taking such good care of my skin.
  12. I still have 10 Brazilian waxes left on my punch card that I’ve already paid for
    Please don’t bomb us yet, North Korea. Please.
  13. I know all my friends’ birthdays
    I always remember to call or text them and not just send a lazy Facebook post! Please. I shouldn’t die. I am nice and I do nice things.