13 Reasons Why I Don’t Deserve To Die Prematurely Even Though I Probably Will
By our columnist Sophia Benoit
- •I use a reusable water bottleThat’s right! Unlike some people at my work place, I don’t just grab a new disposable water bottle out of the fridge every day like an animal. I’m trying to save the earth here!
- •I drive a PriusI didn’t choose it or anything, it was a hand-me-down—but my carbon footprint is so small.
- •I stopped using all the low-level bad words that were socially acceptable in the late ‘90s/early 2000s very quicklyI already wasn’t saying them much because I’m good and a good person but like I stopped within like a month or two of someone telling me “hey, let’s not say that word!”
- •My doctor was one time trying to check for fibroids (don’t look those up—you don’t need to know what they are for this story) and she was like “oh man, I can’t tell if you have them because your abs are too thick!She basically shouted it. That’s why I put an exclamation point. She couldn’t feel the fibroids! Because my strong abs. No one who has abs deserves to die. (Please note: I OBVIOUSLY don’t think people who have less thick abs deserve to die. I’m a good person and I don’t think mean things).
- •I don’t write paragraphs long Facebook statuses unless they are woke and goodCan you say the same?
- •Not that I’ve had the opportunity, but I’ve NEVER done cocaineI know! I’m basically as healthy as someone who has eaten a cake pop every day (for the last four days) can possibly be.
- •I don’t eat red meat…that muchHave you even tried a steak? I'm a hero.
- •I don’t talk to my racist grandparents anymoreNot because they’re racist, but because they’re dead. I still think this is a point in my favor, though.
- •When I go through the security line at the airport I know exactly what to do because I listen to and follow the TSA’s instructionsI only use 2 bins MAXIMUM. And I know that my laptop has to be taken out of my bag. He’s been saying it for 45 minutes! Please listen.
- •I’m never on my phone when I get to the register and I always know what I want to order
- •I started exfoliating before moisturizingThe apocalypse can’t happen when I’m taking such good care of my skin.
- •I still have 10 Brazilian waxes left on my punch card that I’ve already paid forPlease don’t bomb us yet, North Korea. Please.
- •I know all my friends’ birthdaysI always remember to call or text them and not just send a lazy Facebook post! Please. I shouldn’t die. I am nice and I do nice things.