5 Ways Jeff Sessions Could Excuse His Contacts With Russia

Besides "I was thinking about someone smoking pot and became frozen with terror"
  1. “Um… I was too busy looking like if a lawn ornament could somehow be stricken with progeria.”
  2. “I, uh, I was preoccupied with being the answer to the question, ‘What if The Curious Case of Benjamin Button had been written by Ayn Rand?'”
  3. “Uh, well, I was too focused on looking like if Judge Smails from Caddyshack fucked that dipshit claymation elf dentist from Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer.“
  4. “I was kind of tied up, y’know, what with being the whole reason KKK uniforms have hoods.”
  5. “I didn’t have time, I had to look like a premature baby that was incubated inside the Ark of their Covenant.”