6 Other Ways Betsy DeVos Can Protect Our Children From Grizzlies

Guns could work, sure. But this is a problem that demands a multi-pronged approach.
  1. Ban ALL honey from our schools
    This one seems like a no-brainer. Grizzly bears love honey, so a school that has no honey whatsoever is likely safer than a school that’s just swimming with the stuff. Keep it simple, Secretary DeVos.
  2. Make all school mascots “The Wolves”
    As far as the food chain is concerned, there’s not much above an adult grizzly bear. But there’s at least one thing a full-grown grizzler has to watch out for: a pack of wolves. If every school in America had “the wolves” as their mascot, it’s possible that this will encourage grizzly bears to steer clear.
  3. Create a decoy school for every real school but build it all the way across town
    We all know that grizzly bears are attracted to schools like moths to a flame; so, to extend the metaphor, why not set up some fake flames in order to distract these grizzly-moths? It is very unlikely that the grizzlies will notice a difference between the real schools and the decoy ones — plus, building all these decoy schools will help President Trump fulfill his promise to jump-start America’s manufacturing!
  4. Surround every school with bear traps
    Some may wonder how the children will be able to play outside if the school grounds are riddled with a variety of live bear traps. It’s a fair question. But, think about it: if there were a lot of grizzlies around, would you want your kids playing outside anyway? No, you wouldn’t.
  5. Hire someone who is money from downtown
    While we’re pretty sure Secretary DeVos did not have the Memphis Grizzlies in mind during her senate hearing, we wanted to include this option just to be safe. Memphis is famous for its “grit ‘n’ grind” defense, but they have proven themselves to be vulnerable against teams that can really hit it from downtown. If you don’t have Steph Curry on speed-dial already, Secretary DeVos, you should fix that right away.
  6. Let the bears eat the lowest-performing students
    Let’s be real: No matter how hard public officials work to fend them off, grizzly bears aren’t going away any time soon. With that in mind, why not allow the lowest-performing children in every school to be sacrificed to the bears — but only one time per year. This is a potential win-win: kids will work harder to maintain their grades (in order to avoid being devoured by the aforementioned bears) and for 364 days of the year, every child in America will know that their chances of dying in school