HOW SYRIA EXPLAINS REPUBLICAN POLITICS (HINT: TRUMP IS ISIS, CRUZ IS ASSAD)

The Republican presidential field once showed great promise, but now it’s winnowed down to the two worst people and a third guy who can’t win. Want to know what else has ended up like that? The nation of Syria. Ready to analogize?
  1. 1.
    Donald Trump is ISIS
    Both are angry, violent, and threaten to destroy America. But to date, almost all of ISIS’s victims have been Syrians and Iraqis, and almost all of Trump’s victims have been establishment Republicans. America can still be saved from both.
  2. 2.
    Rubio, Bush, and Christie are Raqqa, Mosul, and Tikrit
    These are the front line victims of Trump and ISIS, respectively. Mosul was the strongest city in northern Iraq; Jeb Bush was the richest candidate in the Republican race. Both got sacked.
  3. 3.
    Racists at Trump’s Rallies Are the San Bernardino Killers
    Trump threatens America not by coordinating violent acts, but by “firing up the crazies,” to quote John McCain. Likewise, the San Bernardino killers didn’t take orders from ISIS central command; still, like a Trump bigot’s fantasy, they opened fire on a bunch of Mexican-Americans in California.
  4. 4.
    Ted Cruz is Bashar al-Assad
    A year ago, the two most hated men in Washington were Bashar al-Assad and Ted Cruz, and not in that order. Now Republicans want to prop up both. Sure Assad kills his own people and Cruz would set civil rights back several decades, but they’re better than Trump/ISIS, right? Right?
  5. 5.
    The Christian Right is Vladimir Putin
    Far right Christians such as Bob Vander Plaats are propping up the Texan’s campaign, even though he’s widely hated by those who know him best. Meanwhile, Putin props up Assad - a guy not even Bob Vander Plaats likes. Another commonality between Putin and the Christian Right: Both are routinely slurped by Donald Trump.
  6. 6.
    John Kasich is the Kurds
    Both seem pretty reasonable compared to the alternatives, but you probably don’t want to know how Syrian women are treated by Kurds. Or how pregnant women are treated by Kasich.
  7. 7.
    Mitt Romney is Some Irrelevant Cousin of Saddam Hussein’s
    Mitt Romney hates Trump the way some irrelevant cousin of Saddam Hussein hates ISIS. Both peaked around 2002, and both are basically ignored in 2016.
  8. 8.
    Hillary Clinton is Hillary Clinton
    Trump, Cruz, and the Christian Right all hate Hillary Clinton. So too do ISIS, Assad, and Putin.
  9. 9.
    Bobby Jindal Is a Disgraceful Human Being Who Only Got 1% of the Vote Against the GOP’s ISIS and Assad
    Jindal’s obviously old news, so please forgive the tangent. It just feels so good to write.