HOW THE CANDIDATES SPENT THEIR PASSOVER SEDERS

  1. Donald Trump
    Had an uncomfortable fixation on the cheap labor the Pharaoh achieved with Jewish slave-builders. Poured no wine for Elijah—deadbeat! Chipped a tooth on gold-plated matzah. Faked eating "tons, just tons" of maror.
  2. Ted Cruz
    Pandered incessantly for the role of the "Wise Child." Pointed out some logical fallacies. Said that the eleventh plague was liberals! And then repeated the joke in different formats throughout the night.
  3. John Kasich
    Awarded the finders of the Afikoman with three shiny pennies each.
  4. Hillary Clinton
    Says we should take this story of surprising events in a desert country exactly as the redacted and confusing document laid out and not ask any more questions.
  5. Bernie Sanders
    Probably did something that would piss your parents off, to be honest.