HOW THE CANDIDATES SPENT THEIR PASSOVER SEDERS
- •Donald TrumpHad an uncomfortable fixation on the cheap labor the Pharaoh achieved with Jewish slave-builders. Poured no wine for Elijah—deadbeat! Chipped a tooth on gold-plated matzah. Faked eating "tons, just tons" of maror.
- •Ted CruzPandered incessantly for the role of the "Wise Child." Pointed out some logical fallacies. Said that the eleventh plague was liberals! And then repeated the joke in different formats throughout the night.
- •John KasichAwarded the finders of the Afikoman with three shiny pennies each.
- •Hillary ClintonSays we should take this story of surprising events in a desert country exactly as the redacted and confusing document laid out and not ask any more questions.
- •Bernie SandersProbably did something that would piss your parents off, to be honest.