HOW THE GOP ESTABLISHMENT CAN STILL SAVE MARCO RUBIO FROM DOOM

Florida Senator Marco Rubio has by far the most endorsements in the Republican primary, but he badly trails both Donald Trump and Ted Cruz in the delegate count. With the GOP establishment quickly running out of options, here's what it can still do to help his floundering candidacy.
  1. 1.
    Hastily arrange for a power marriage between Rubio’s teenager and a well-positioned Reagan grandchild.
  2. 2.
    Allow him to invest campaign funds in an exclusive, high-yield hedge fund managed by Mitch McConnell’s neighbor.
  3. 3.
    Donate priceless art for use in a new campaign logo.
  4. 4.
    Dispatch Mitt Romney to personally work the room at UFC 197 and convince attendees to switch over from Trump.
  5. 5.
    Allow Rubio to fuel campaign busses directly at donor-owned refineries, cutting out the middleman.
  6. 6.
    Encourage everyone at the club to skip the back nine and head to the Rubio phone bank inside the Men’s Grill.
  7. 7.
    Announce that actually it, the establishment, supports Trump and would simply HATE to see Rubio elected. So definitely don’t vote for Rubio, unwashed masses. That would make us sad and mad and bad, to put it in words you can understand. (If only they'd thought of these before New Hampshire!)